Something inside

Something died inside me. Was that hope? Was that a dream? Was that a temporary longing and sense of belonging?

Something died inside me. Now it is clear: we are just friends now. Friends in the most encompassing sense of the world, friends  who know so much, perhaps too much about one another... friends who feel so deeply for one another... Friends who have brought so much joy and pain and anger and longing into one another's lives. The kind of friends who seem unable to hate one another despite what we have put one another through. The kind of friends who love one another, but short of being lovers. Maybe that day may still come... I do not know, but now it is clear we are no more than just friends.

I can sit and listen, sit and hear him pour his heart out. For I am his friend, and he is mine. I can hug him, stroke his back, rub his face in a signal of my care and my concern for his wellbeing. And he can do the same too me. But te sexual tensions must die, must be suppressed.

I told him how much I love him, how I care about him so deeply. I have never ere felt this way about anyone. It is true. I have felt this way for such a long time.

 But he loves another, he has ever since they first met. even though he chose to be with me at one point, he never could forget, he never could let go of the other person.

How deep is that love? How does that love he feels compare to the love he says he feels toward me? There are so many kinds of love. Love cannot be compared, cannot be measured.

However much it pains me, I let my friend go. As they say, you love someone so much you can only wish them happiness, wherever, with whomever he may find it. I have to bolden myself, strengthen my weak heart and mind and be strong... I wished him happiness, true happiness and freedom from all the complications we find ourselves entangled in...

I wish him that, even though it is hard, even though it hurts. And I know he once had to bear all that hurt and pain when I was not ready, not willing to be with him...

 He too wished me so many times in the past genuine happiness and finding true love, even though deep down inside, in his throat, in his heart he hurt so much saying it, thinking it. And now I think I feel what he must have felt.

I kissed his tears, his salty, his sweet tears, looked into his beautiful eyes, felt his beautiful face with my fingers. One last look, one last feel to remember him by... I will remember, and I will treasure our beautiful moments together, throughout these past three years.

I'll be around, I said. And I promised to be there to hold him, to comfort him should he need me. I told him to call, to text, to write when he wants to, when he needs to. Because I want to e there for him, be there for him as he has been there for me for so long, so often.

And deep down I felt I could do that. Though time will tell how strong i truly am and whether I am truly capable.

You are in my heart...
You are on my mind...