My phone contains over two thousand and six hundred pictures. Sometimes I accidentally see them, all of them, some of which date from the summer of 2011.
Many date from 2012, the extremely tumultuous and painful, painful year of hospital visits, hospital overnights, decline, disappointment and losses. I have not had the courage to delete those pictures... It is as if deleting them were disrespectful of all the pain, the moans, the tears and the suffering I saw mum go through... As if deleting the pictures erased a chapter of my life that I wish to forget, but am so afraid makes me less human, less loving and erased all the love and affection I gave my mum.
But seeing the pictures cry... Mum lounging on her bed with a tube stick up her nostril... My hand clutching onto her hand, silently passing positive energy and hope and life into her body (in vain...)... My nephew making us all laugh and forget about the difficulties we were facing... The ex who visited and in that short week gave me such hope and such promising future immediately after mum passed... Painful. Simply painful...
One by one, the pictures will be erased. One by one, they will be forever gone from my phone...
No comments:
Post a Comment