A new day?

The music touched my heart and I cried. I cried in the middle of a joyous, fun festival as part of the city's gay pride. I could not contain my tears.

Let the rain come down
And wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul
And drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls

The songs that played spoke to my heart. Maybe I am too sensitive, maybe my feelings are too raw. I look around and see all these couples holding hands, kissing, swooning in love. All these couples together. And just made me feel all the more alone.

Earlier, we had a pre-event party, and we all gathered at someone's house and all brought food to share. I went for a little while, and at the earliest opportunity left. 

Why did I have to leave a social gathering quickly and early? I Cannot play into the hypocrisy of everything in life being fine and dandy because of the smile on my face. I simply cannot stand how behind the person, when the person is away, people make fun of him, and yet at a party pretend as if they're all best buddies. How shallow, how pretentious... It's so sad...

A friend asked me where I was last year, exactly a year ago, during the biggest pride event of the year. I hesitated a moment, didn't know what or how to answer. Of course other people may have forgotten. And I am trying to forget. But the question threw me off track and made me remember again.

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

I was home. In Taiwan. Two weeks after mum was cremated. Three weeks after the terrible rupture with my Ex, who not so long ago told me all the things I wanted to hear, needed to hear, to keep the faith, to keep on dreaming and hoping. I was in a terribly numb state of mind. I still am. 

And who is suffering most? The one who remembers. The one who cannot forget, the one who cannot let go. The one who cannot pretend or hide tears, pain or sadness, and as a result is sidelined in a world circling around fun and thrills and forgetting all that bothers and disturbs us. 

Where it was dark now there's is light
Where there was pain, now there's joy
Where there was weakness, i found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

"A new day has come..."

I long for that day. I so do.