Mounting stress

Quarter to ten at night. Just left the office and heading home on the metro. What a long day. Long but unproductive. And for some reason, so exhausted... So tired I feel like I could just faint and collapse...And it just dawned on me again: twenty days till my first upcoming exam, yet I've studied an hour or two only. How many more hours to go till I feel confident and prepared enough to sit the exam? 

I meant to study or at least do some work this past weekend. But a good friend was busy moving to his new apartment and asked me to accompany him while he looked for furniture and appliances. I couldn't decline, so for two whole days drove from place to place looking for quality and affordable furniture. It helped me in a way, as I've dreamed of owning my place for a while and am taking little steps to start looking. Seeing all these appliances and sofas reminded me in a while of how basic my own apartment is, and how little I actually have. But no matter. As my friend told me...) my hospitality and the warmth of my home (including my sweet little cat...) more than makes up for the lack of furnishings.

 Last night, I stayed at his eye place till almost midnight to assemble furniture. I enjoy doing this for friends, and did not feel tired at all. It brings me joy to know I'm helping a friend settle down in his new place, in a way contributing to a new beginning. Even my friend commented i look so happy and engaged when I'm deciphering how to assemble the different pieces together. While I sat there tightening bolts an nuts on the ikea furniture, I was reminded of the last time I did it, for my ex. Sweet memories.

These days, I have suddenly so much work at work, and it's kept me away from studying. And this weekend my ex is coming back to the city, something that always makes me so disturbed and unsettled because in truth it just pains me to know he's so close by yet I cannot touch him or behave the same way around him like we have done for so long. It pains me to think, to know he's in the same city, yet lying with another person. How easy it is for another to do that... How painful and difficult it is for me to accept and just move forward with my own life an let go of all those promises of love and a future tofehr. I doubt I can get much work done again...

I wish I could just get away from here and not face anything. Not have to face mutual friends who see everything as a joke and source of gossip... Not have to face or be exposed to being this sad former lover left alone and still wondering in the dark why or how everything went sour and died... After several weeks of healing and relative calm in my life, I finally have some sense of stability and security. I dread to have it all shattered again having to face the unpleasantries and difficult reminders of the past when the ex visiting...