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I woke up crying and disoriented, felt like I was thrown into a nightmare in a strange room in a foreign place. The dream was too real, the pain too intense it hurt my chest and left me gasping terribly for breath... The worse feeling was waking up and that realisation I was alone and that there was no one to turn to...
In the dream I was howling. Terrible sounds escaping my mouth as I cried and cried in public. I was beyond consolation.
I had just received news mum died. But I was not by her side. I was in school, working, in fact talking to my boss. Then the news suddenly came. I ran out of the office, dropped to the ground and frantically with shaking hands and from trembling fingers searches for a flight home. (...how could I still be thinking of collecting air mileage and upgrades at a moment of intense despair...?
My ex appeared, hugged me so intensely, tried to calm me down and searched for a ticket home for me. I began to break down even more by his touch, began to sob uncontrollably. Images of mum in her final moments appeared before my eyes and haunted me so... Mum and her body writhing in pain and discomfort. Images of her opening and closing her mouth trying to cry out for help, but then only her mouth moved and no sound came...
In the dream, I was not there! Not there by her side! I could not comfort her, could not take away her fears with my touch and with my presence...
As my ex held me, I let out a long howl. It was beast-like that sound. So loud and so intense with emotions of pain, remorse and guilt... I realised (in my dream) I could not go home to even give mum a proper funeral. I realised (in the dream) the government had penalized me for overstaying my previous visa and that I could not go back for a year for any reason...
I howled and howled. The pain rocked through my body. "Mum... Mum... I've failed you so...." I cried out, and the tears just streamed like a river down my face. My hands reached out to touch her imaginary body as images of her dying moments flooded my mind and senses... How I longed for her touch, how I longed for the warmth of her body and soft sound of her motherly voice, the same voice that shows me so love and compassion, showed me the unconditional and boundless true love no one else has shown me, and no one else could ever possibly match... My ex was trying to calm me, I saw him crying and hurting too. But I myself was hurting and howling beyond consolation... "Mum, I'm so sorry I'm not there for you..." I cried out loud.
The tears were so real, so intense for several moments after the dream shook me awake, I lay in the bed and felt my heart ache and felt the tears down my face. Then reality took over. It was all a dream. But far too real, with emotions far too close to those I feel and felt in the real world.
As consciousness and awareness slowly came to me, I realised I was in the dark room alone and it was another night of sleep disturbed. I realised again mum is gone, and that the person who gave much of the support and reassurance and love I so needed and that made me so strong is gone too. Did I push him away? I gave him everything, and now feel now like I have nothing, no one. Was he simply too exhausted by intensity of my life and all that came my way in the past few years?
That realisation hurt and made me shake more than in the dream.
I woke up crying and disoriented, felt like I was thrown into a nightmare in a strange room in a foreign place. The dream was too real, the pain too intense it hurt my chest and left me gasping terribly for breath... The worse feeling was waking up and that realisation I was alone and that there was no one to turn to...
In the dream I was howling. Terrible sounds escaping my mouth as I cried and cried in public. I was beyond consolation.
I had just received news mum died. But I was not by her side. I was in school, working, in fact talking to my boss. Then the news suddenly came. I ran out of the office, dropped to the ground and frantically with shaking hands and from trembling fingers searches for a flight home. (...how could I still be thinking of collecting air mileage and upgrades at a moment of intense despair...?
My ex appeared, hugged me so intensely, tried to calm me down and searched for a ticket home for me. I began to break down even more by his touch, began to sob uncontrollably. Images of mum in her final moments appeared before my eyes and haunted me so... Mum and her body writhing in pain and discomfort. Images of her opening and closing her mouth trying to cry out for help, but then only her mouth moved and no sound came...
In the dream, I was not there! Not there by her side! I could not comfort her, could not take away her fears with my touch and with my presence...
As my ex held me, I let out a long howl. It was beast-like that sound. So loud and so intense with emotions of pain, remorse and guilt... I realised (in my dream) I could not go home to even give mum a proper funeral. I realised (in the dream) the government had penalized me for overstaying my previous visa and that I could not go back for a year for any reason...
I howled and howled. The pain rocked through my body. "Mum... Mum... I've failed you so...." I cried out, and the tears just streamed like a river down my face. My hands reached out to touch her imaginary body as images of her dying moments flooded my mind and senses... How I longed for her touch, how I longed for the warmth of her body and soft sound of her motherly voice, the same voice that shows me so love and compassion, showed me the unconditional and boundless true love no one else has shown me, and no one else could ever possibly match... My ex was trying to calm me, I saw him crying and hurting too. But I myself was hurting and howling beyond consolation... "Mum, I'm so sorry I'm not there for you..." I cried out loud.
The tears were so real, so intense for several moments after the dream shook me awake, I lay in the bed and felt my heart ache and felt the tears down my face. Then reality took over. It was all a dream. But far too real, with emotions far too close to those I feel and felt in the real world.
As consciousness and awareness slowly came to me, I realised I was in the dark room alone and it was another night of sleep disturbed. I realised again mum is gone, and that the person who gave much of the support and reassurance and love I so needed and that made me so strong is gone too. Did I push him away? I gave him everything, and now feel now like I have nothing, no one. Was he simply too exhausted by intensity of my life and all that came my way in the past few years?
That realisation hurt and made me shake more than in the dream.
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