A few days away, and now dragging my feet home. There's such reluctance and hesitation, fear of what awaits me... The possible presence of my ex, questions and jeers of mutual friends (who find all this continuing drama as a source of ridicule and amusement...), items and momentoes lying around that remind me of happy times long ago and seemingly long since forgotten...
It is ridiculous. Why am I so scared to return to my own home? My own home! My only home in the world now, which I opened up to my ex whole heartedly because he did not have a place to stay. I let him into my most personal space, and with this sense of betrayal and deception that are being revealed to me, I feel my home has become violated, become tainted and no longer a place of my only refuge and sanctuary. Perhaps in my absence, he was even there with his partner. Imagine that...
Why do I have to put up with this in the first days of a new year? I gave everything, but now I'm even afraid to step into my own home and sleep in the bed where just days ago he slept next to me in...
My has been chest physically aching terribly since that day, and it seems to be getting worse. Perhaps this is a manifestation of an emotional heartbreak. I'm so weak and so wracked by pain and disturbing thoughts an fears...
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