No hiding forever

I dread going home... I dread having to face all these things at home and face all these friends. I'm sure they'll ask, out of concern, perhaps out of an attraction for gossip and entertainment, where I have been and what happened. I dread getting that "I-told-you-so" look and the same old speech of "things will pass"...

But I can't just hide, I can't cut off communication with the outside world and have my phone switched off forever. I can't just hide and sleep, and sleep some more, to rid myself of the dread and the pain of being awake. Even sleep isn't helping, not when I am beset my nightmares of death, fear and abandonment (in the latest, I was standing dangerously close to a leaking gas cannister trying to turn it off... in another last night, I was walking down the street and saw some friends. I tried to get close to hug them, they ran away...)

My god, just as I thought I have finally come to terms with mum's passing after my trip to India/Nepal, images and thoughts seem to be returning with a vengeance. Makes me feel like such a failure, especially after telling my parents, telling myself, I'd begin to let go now and start my life afresh.

I can't hide forever. But I feel so vulnerable going out there in the bitter, bitter cold, and feel like any little thing can make me break down and rcry .