I threw up. Felt so sickened that food poured out of my mouth. And for a while after that, my stomach felt so uneasy and in pain.
I cried. Throwing up beings up traumatic memories, of mum those months ago, of me gagging as I watched up crouch next to the toilet bowl but still needed to pull myself together and suppress the emotions. I've been gagging a lot these few months, often from stress and uneasiness, and more recently from the food during my travels. But this time, it was the realisation that things are not as they seem, that I've been living a self-made fantasy and lie that made me gag and throw up.
My ex cried, and cried. This is really the end. Irreparable. There's a reason behind his lack of response to my letters and emails about how much I care about him and love him. There's a reason why lying next to him, he seems to unresponsive to my touches and soft little words...
He still cannot let go of the relationship he said ended few months ago. Still cannot let go of someone he told me and others with whom he sees no future. Perhaps because what he has found is so much better than me, even if I've really given him all I ever give to anyone. My affection, my love, my darkest secrets, my fears and dreams... But it's not enough. Or at least our time has passed. He's found something, someone, better, and I am just... I don't know what or who I am anymore.
Doesn't matter, does it? but it does hurt...
On my travels, more often than to my own mother who gave me life and raised me, my thoughts turned to him. Imagined him by my side, imagined him holding my hand and making a new beginning together. I wished him peace and happiness, love and joy, and imagined I could give him all that. But he's getting it from another. I did think, before the Buddha where I sat and meditated some mornings, perhaps it's not meant to be...
He cried and cried. Cried about how I dont understand how he really feels, how he loves me still. But how can you continuously tell someone you love him, hold him and hug him affectionately yet still be involved with another? I do not understand. Is it not dishonest? Is it not foolish yourself and others?
He Cried about how so many nights he still lies awake with guilt and with images of illness and my mum haunting him. I know he cares deeply, that he has tried to comfort me and be there for me, but at some point he became distant, perhaps absorbed by his own worries and problems, and I felt I could no longer bother him or turn to him with talk of death and illness. Some time down the line, people are bound to tire from seeing me cry and be down and depressed...
I cried, but was more in shock and disbelief than anything else. All that he told me, all those words he wrote me...? Do they mean so little? Are they just to placate me and keep things at bay? Just to keep me around and not to hurt me with the truth and reality that he's already moved on?
I know, I hurt him too. I tried to break his relationship. I tried to make him love me the way I want to be loved. And perhaps that is my failing: loving him the wrong way, expecting too much from someone who's already tried to tell me he just wants to be friends... I feel guilty still for all the ways I've wronged him and hurt him, and those around him, and I asked him to forgive me, and not to hate me as we part ways... I do not hate him, but am just deeply disappointed and hurt by him, perhaps because I expected too much...
This is the end, is it not? After four years, countless nights lying next to one another, so many gifts and soft little words exchanged and trips taken together, is this the end? Did I kill our relationship and last ditch at friendship? Did my concerns about cancer and not being able to be there for mum fully if I involved myself in a relationship make the bond that was so strong and so deep expire? Did I smother the love with my uncertainties and insecurities and push him away far too long, as he says I did? He says I've been so ungrateful for all the sacrifices he's made for me. Are they sacrifices if he says he truly loves me and truly wishes to be there for me? Is the
What does it matter now? He has someone, he has it all, and now he's free from me. Was it all calculated and planned? Someone was bound to get hurt and lose it all. It's me. And what do I have but shame and more loss to mourn over? Loss that feels so painful and that makes me cry more than when I lost my own mother.
It's perhaps about time, for we have stood in each other's way for far too long. I have lived far too long in a fantasy and dream that one day, after the death and losses, tears and arguments, we would come together stronger than ever before. He made me believe it, he gave me hints and hope and told me to be patient while he deals with his unresolved issues. He was there days after my mum's funeral hugging me, reassuring me how he loves me so and how much he wants to end his relationship, which he himself said had no future, to be with me. To be with me, to finally be together without baggage, to build on something we both know we need and have longed for so much.
Were they lies, sweet little lies? In the end, he has it all, a boyfriend and me on the side he can turn to for support and comforting hugs, so why does he have to change anything? Why did I let the situation prolong? Why do our mutual friends indulge in his behaviour when they know and see how he's playing with people's hearts and lives? Why do I have to fear about being trapped in the butt of people's gossip and jokes? Oh, I hear their laughter, and it adds salt to the wound.
With time, things will fade, and I will be forgotten. And I will perhaps forget, one day. One day forget... It is just so painful, so horrible and painful to have to deal with the mum's death, and now the loss of the one true best friend and soul mate I thought I've ever had. That is what hurts most of all...
But is this not the way things are? Is that not what the reality is and how the world changes and turns?
I need to be strong, need to hold myself and love myself and tell myself I will love again. I need to do it for my mum, for the sake of that promise on the little note on the kitchen cupboard: "Mama [...] i will take more of myself".
I need to do it for my own sake, for my own life. I need to do it so I can live, fully live again after all these years of uncertainties and pains.
I need to be strong and take care of myself... I must.
I must... I must.
And I must let go. Only in letting go can I ever hope to have anything at all.
I cried. Throwing up beings up traumatic memories, of mum those months ago, of me gagging as I watched up crouch next to the toilet bowl but still needed to pull myself together and suppress the emotions. I've been gagging a lot these few months, often from stress and uneasiness, and more recently from the food during my travels. But this time, it was the realisation that things are not as they seem, that I've been living a self-made fantasy and lie that made me gag and throw up.
My ex cried, and cried. This is really the end. Irreparable. There's a reason behind his lack of response to my letters and emails about how much I care about him and love him. There's a reason why lying next to him, he seems to unresponsive to my touches and soft little words...
He still cannot let go of the relationship he said ended few months ago. Still cannot let go of someone he told me and others with whom he sees no future. Perhaps because what he has found is so much better than me, even if I've really given him all I ever give to anyone. My affection, my love, my darkest secrets, my fears and dreams... But it's not enough. Or at least our time has passed. He's found something, someone, better, and I am just... I don't know what or who I am anymore.
Doesn't matter, does it? but it does hurt...
On my travels, more often than to my own mother who gave me life and raised me, my thoughts turned to him. Imagined him by my side, imagined him holding my hand and making a new beginning together. I wished him peace and happiness, love and joy, and imagined I could give him all that. But he's getting it from another. I did think, before the Buddha where I sat and meditated some mornings, perhaps it's not meant to be...
He cried and cried. Cried about how I dont understand how he really feels, how he loves me still. But how can you continuously tell someone you love him, hold him and hug him affectionately yet still be involved with another? I do not understand. Is it not dishonest? Is it not foolish yourself and others?
He Cried about how so many nights he still lies awake with guilt and with images of illness and my mum haunting him. I know he cares deeply, that he has tried to comfort me and be there for me, but at some point he became distant, perhaps absorbed by his own worries and problems, and I felt I could no longer bother him or turn to him with talk of death and illness. Some time down the line, people are bound to tire from seeing me cry and be down and depressed...
I cried, but was more in shock and disbelief than anything else. All that he told me, all those words he wrote me...? Do they mean so little? Are they just to placate me and keep things at bay? Just to keep me around and not to hurt me with the truth and reality that he's already moved on?
I know, I hurt him too. I tried to break his relationship. I tried to make him love me the way I want to be loved. And perhaps that is my failing: loving him the wrong way, expecting too much from someone who's already tried to tell me he just wants to be friends... I feel guilty still for all the ways I've wronged him and hurt him, and those around him, and I asked him to forgive me, and not to hate me as we part ways... I do not hate him, but am just deeply disappointed and hurt by him, perhaps because I expected too much...
This is the end, is it not? After four years, countless nights lying next to one another, so many gifts and soft little words exchanged and trips taken together, is this the end? Did I kill our relationship and last ditch at friendship? Did my concerns about cancer and not being able to be there for mum fully if I involved myself in a relationship make the bond that was so strong and so deep expire? Did I smother the love with my uncertainties and insecurities and push him away far too long, as he says I did? He says I've been so ungrateful for all the sacrifices he's made for me. Are they sacrifices if he says he truly loves me and truly wishes to be there for me? Is the
What does it matter now? He has someone, he has it all, and now he's free from me. Was it all calculated and planned? Someone was bound to get hurt and lose it all. It's me. And what do I have but shame and more loss to mourn over? Loss that feels so painful and that makes me cry more than when I lost my own mother.
It's perhaps about time, for we have stood in each other's way for far too long. I have lived far too long in a fantasy and dream that one day, after the death and losses, tears and arguments, we would come together stronger than ever before. He made me believe it, he gave me hints and hope and told me to be patient while he deals with his unresolved issues. He was there days after my mum's funeral hugging me, reassuring me how he loves me so and how much he wants to end his relationship, which he himself said had no future, to be with me. To be with me, to finally be together without baggage, to build on something we both know we need and have longed for so much.
Were they lies, sweet little lies? In the end, he has it all, a boyfriend and me on the side he can turn to for support and comforting hugs, so why does he have to change anything? Why did I let the situation prolong? Why do our mutual friends indulge in his behaviour when they know and see how he's playing with people's hearts and lives? Why do I have to fear about being trapped in the butt of people's gossip and jokes? Oh, I hear their laughter, and it adds salt to the wound.
With time, things will fade, and I will be forgotten. And I will perhaps forget, one day. One day forget... It is just so painful, so horrible and painful to have to deal with the mum's death, and now the loss of the one true best friend and soul mate I thought I've ever had. That is what hurts most of all...
But is this not the way things are? Is that not what the reality is and how the world changes and turns?
I need to be strong, need to hold myself and love myself and tell myself I will love again. I need to do it for my mum, for the sake of that promise on the little note on the kitchen cupboard: "Mama [...] i will take more of myself".
I need to do it for my own sake, for my own life. I need to do it so I can live, fully live again after all these years of uncertainties and pains.
I need to be strong and take care of myself... I must.
I must... I must.
And I must let go. Only in letting go can I ever hope to have anything at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment