Sleeplessness

Past three in the morning, and I cannot sleep. It's a recurring problem, one I've been having for several days now. I simply cannot sleep, even though I am tired... My mind is bombarded with thoughts and worries...


My mind is so restless, especially with my departure in just a few days. I feel like there still so much I need to do, people I need to see and visit... And the pressure of needing to study, something I've not manages to properly do for days already, is building up...

I've been sticking around Taipei because brother and his family are still away. It's getting ridiculous... Almost three weeks since they returned here, yet it feels as if they never came back! There I was thinking ( dreaming even!!) before they returned I could go off and follow my plans to travel around a bit and relax, and get some proper studying done, but they fell ill and 'fled' to another part of the country. And who must (not that it's a "must" in the sense I have no choice and am unwilling to do so...) stay around and who goes to see mum everyday...? Who brings her food and things she needs from home? Who else is there?

Mum is still in hospital, and it doesn't seem like she can be out before I leave, which is deeply disappointing, and very unsettling. A part of me wants to change my flight and postpone my departure, but I can't afford to put off my studying, can't afford to postpone my exam again, after having done nothing for myself in so many months. And I know mum would not want me to stay longer. As she tells me again and again, as she reassures me again and again, "You've done too much..."

A part of me is worried and thinking too how it will be to go back to my "old" life. I'll have to face friends I've not been in touch with much for months. And I'll have to face my ex, and deal with whatever anger, frustrations and uncertainties that are still lingering around and plaguing our relationship (or whatever it is that we have...). It crossed my mind today that it was one year ago exactly that marked the beginning of how we got to become so estranged, how I increasingly grew distrustful of and disappointed by him... He said he wanted to go to a concert with his friend. I had my reservations, but let him go anyway. He came back and I noticed he was distracted, his heart was not fully there. A week or so later he wanted to separate, and listed a number of things about me that concerned him. But in truth, it was he himself who had divided feelings, who had issues and feelings to resolve. Looking back I feel so foolish for having believed him when he said he wanted to be with me, when he said he loved me. (admittedly, I caused much of this mess when I came between him and his romance, but he decided to be with me. He decided to be with me...)

Now I am not sure what I have to say to him, despite his apparent advances to reach me. I have not even told him I'll be home next week, because he'll just be a distraction. Distraction from my exams, distraction from getting back on my feet and finding the strength to go on and take care of myself. I need to find the will to do something for my own life after such a long time away and such a long time with all my energies focused on taking care of another... What I do not need is to deal with a heartbreak by having (or be given) false hopes of my ex coming back to me, only to realise it's all fantasy and day-dreaming.

I am already so tired, so very tired and about to go through a very rough good-bye, I feel... I am in such a messy state of mind right now, and am so frustrated and tired...