Lunar new year's eve

Barely nine in the evening, and mum is already in bed. Even at dinner, she looked uncomfortable and in pain. Earlier, she said she no longer wants to go down to visit relatives as planned. Most likely, I'll have to go refund the tickets in the morning, and will stay with her at home over the next few days. I had been so anticipating getting away from the city for a few days, and taking some time 'off' by going to the seclusion of the monastery. But if mum cannot leave home, I can't really go off on my own. She's too weak to be left alone at this stage. And with treatment planned in a few days' time, she really needs to eat well-- something I know she will not really do when I am not around.

Lunar new year's eve, but it does not feel like it at all. Where is that sense of excitement I used to feel as a child? Where is the magic of staying up late and chatting with mum and dad excitedly about the year gone by?

At dinner, I left an empty chair for dad to 'sit' in. I laid out a bowl and filled it with some rice and dishes I made (with help from my sister-in-law). I looked at the empty bowl and felt so sad... An empty bowl, right next to me... One day, there will be two empty bowls I will have to lay out.

Brother suddenly got up from dinner at one point, and picked up two red envelops. One for mum, one for me. I was touched, for it was the first time he gave me a red envelop (a tradition), and it reminded me that I had completely forgotten to prepare one for my little nephew (just shows how scattered and down I have become these days...). So quickly I went into the bedroom, and got a spare red envelop, and took out some of the money brother just handed me and gave the envelop to my nephew.

To everyone's surprise, his little fingers grabbed at the red envelop. He clutched it tightly, and moved it close to his mouth to suck on. Perhaps it's just a reaction he has to everything that is placed in front of his face, but that made us all laugh.

And for a few moments, laughter brought us all back to the spirit of lunar new year celebrations, to the (more) carefree days when this time of the year is filled with magic and surprises, excitement and a sense of longing for newer, brighter days.