Fearing death?

I didn't think it bothered me before, death, but the past few nights, I would suddenly stir from my sleep, as I just did now, tormented by images of death...

Of mum dying.

I thought I was not afraid, not afraid of losing the dearest person, of losing the only true source of support, in my life right now. but the images in my sleeping mind tell me otherwise.

Four thirty in the morning, and I am awake... Tired and wanting to sleep, but cannot. Why this sudden obsession of my mind with death? Is it because of the news earlier this week that my ex's grandmother passed away? Is it because my cousin last night told me that my uncle's nearing the final days of his life...? Or is it because of what I told my mum yesterday, when I suggested to her to stop all treatment once and for all?

I see images of mum dying, horribly dying... And what bothers me most is that I see to be watching without any feelings in these images and dreams. Why does it not bother me?

I truly am losing it... Losing control of my mind, losing control of my thoughts and fears...