The last time brother and I spoke was two weeks ago, when I called him on new year's eve from some obscure location. It only struck me when I looked at the date that two weeks have already gone by, and I realise again what a waste of time and my life to be so unproductive and so down...
The beginning of the conversation was about (family) business, which I just dread talking about, even though it must be dealt with. What to do with my mum's house, what to do with her belongings (chuck them or donate them...), and so on. He wants me to be available online in the coming period so he can skype with me and show me things to decide what to do with every single item in mum's house. It will be a very tough process, especially from afar...
It depresses me even more to think of all these things, especially knowing that for the first time in five years, I cannot be there for the lunar new year celebrations. When my brother mentioned what he plans to do to commemorate my parents on this special occasion (specifically for my dad, the anniversary of whose passing falls on lunar new year's eve...), I just cried. When he mentioned that he will not be spending new year's at home, but instead will go to stay with his mother in-law, I cried even more... Cried quietly of course. Thank goodness the office door was closed.
Just the image of my mum's home being empty for the first time ever is heart-wrenching. To think, only last year we were all together. Mum was still there, though sickly and weak, but we were together. We shared a meal, even though she ate very little. Mum, brother, his wife, my nephew, and I, all of us together. I could still hold her hand then, I could lie next to her and fall asleep imagining I'm a baby next to his mother. That's all in the past now... no more, no more... Momentarily, the past and all those beautiful memories saddened me.
"Are you alright? How are you doing nowadays?" he asked I think he could hear from the sound of my voice that I am really deflated and unmotivated (I imagine anyone can...). In a rare moment of bonding and care, I felt he was genuinely concerned, perhaps more so because when I visited three weeks ago I told him I have been terribly lonely and often sad these few months since mum left-- a feeling that intensified only after my return to Canada and as I began to pick up my life. I told him then about how lost I feel, so uncertain I am where to start and what to do with myself.
On the phone today, he encouraged me, told me to do things to distract myself and feel less lonely. "You just have to go on... what else can you do?"
Yes, go on, swallow the unpleasant feelings and debilitating emotions that leave your mind and soul so weak and tired, and you must try not let the loneliness and feelings of loss get to you and affect you. Or at least try not let it all affect you too much.
Coming from my brother, it was rare, and heart warming.
The beginning of the conversation was about (family) business, which I just dread talking about, even though it must be dealt with. What to do with my mum's house, what to do with her belongings (chuck them or donate them...), and so on. He wants me to be available online in the coming period so he can skype with me and show me things to decide what to do with every single item in mum's house. It will be a very tough process, especially from afar...
It depresses me even more to think of all these things, especially knowing that for the first time in five years, I cannot be there for the lunar new year celebrations. When my brother mentioned what he plans to do to commemorate my parents on this special occasion (specifically for my dad, the anniversary of whose passing falls on lunar new year's eve...), I just cried. When he mentioned that he will not be spending new year's at home, but instead will go to stay with his mother in-law, I cried even more... Cried quietly of course. Thank goodness the office door was closed.
Just the image of my mum's home being empty for the first time ever is heart-wrenching. To think, only last year we were all together. Mum was still there, though sickly and weak, but we were together. We shared a meal, even though she ate very little. Mum, brother, his wife, my nephew, and I, all of us together. I could still hold her hand then, I could lie next to her and fall asleep imagining I'm a baby next to his mother. That's all in the past now... no more, no more... Momentarily, the past and all those beautiful memories saddened me.
"Are you alright? How are you doing nowadays?" he asked I think he could hear from the sound of my voice that I am really deflated and unmotivated (I imagine anyone can...). In a rare moment of bonding and care, I felt he was genuinely concerned, perhaps more so because when I visited three weeks ago I told him I have been terribly lonely and often sad these few months since mum left-- a feeling that intensified only after my return to Canada and as I began to pick up my life. I told him then about how lost I feel, so uncertain I am where to start and what to do with myself.
On the phone today, he encouraged me, told me to do things to distract myself and feel less lonely. "You just have to go on... what else can you do?"
Yes, go on, swallow the unpleasant feelings and debilitating emotions that leave your mind and soul so weak and tired, and you must try not let the loneliness and feelings of loss get to you and affect you. Or at least try not let it all affect you too much.
Coming from my brother, it was rare, and heart warming.
Final half an hour of the new year. Sitting in the bright corridor of ward 172 at the Taipei Veterans General Hospital, just outside mum's room.
I never imagined I would be spending this new year in Taiwan (again...). I thought I would spend it with friends, or alone at home. But I'm glad in a way I'll be welcoming 2012 with mum, even though she's already fast asleep.
On the glass window of mum's room I placed some pictures and little notes. Something I enjoy doing, and something I thought would add a little touch of humanness and care to the hospital ward. "Happy new year" one said, and the other ＂Thank you for all your hard work". The latter note is directed at everyone, the nurses and doctors who work day and night to alleviate the pain and suffering of so many. But the note is also directed at the patients and relatives who struggle everyday against illness, anxiety, and fear... We have all worked very hard... All of us...
Fifteen minutes till the new year, till the old is over and done with. Overall, it's been a tough year, and filled with a lot of downs, having to face a long-drawn out breakup, the prsopect of losing the best and closest friend I have ever had, and having to continuously face mum's deteriorating health condition and brushes with physical disability, and death...
But there too have been wonderful times... My first true love, which was so deep, so real, so very beautiful... the wedding of my brother... realising the dream of traveling with mum to Canada... Taking the first step to immigrating permanently... the birth of my nephew... and completion of my thesis after three long years.
It has not been easy, but life never is... Hopefully the coming year will be filled with more positive energy and beautiful moments with people who make me smile and who touch my heart, and that my hopes and aspirations will begin to be realised.
The final countdown... The sprawling city before me flashes with colourful explosions and sparks. Behind the dark silhouette of the Yuanshan mountain range, the spire of Taipei 101 glows bright with an impressive display of lights and fireworks. 2012 is here finally... I look down at the world beneath my feet and silently wished...
May all beings be happy, may all beings be free. May mum regain her health, may she soon recover... May I be strong, may I be filled with the compassion and love I need, and more, to carry me through difficult and testing times...
Happy new year... May it be a happy one.