With time

My friend (the ex) and I spent almost the entire weekend together. Friday night, he came over to my place to have dinner and watch a bit of tv. We had lovely evening overall, just chatting, like we used to before, something I think both of us thoroughly enjoy. In these moments when we are next to one another, talking about our lives, laughing and joking, reminiscing and thinking back to good old times together, it felt like there was no one else in the world but just he and me.

At one point, we talked about our futures... What we'd like to accomplish, what plans we have when we have stable jobs and settle down. Funny thing was, I never realised that he had a dream of one day owning a B&B somewhere, most likely after retirement, just to have something meaningful to do. It is also a big dream I've had, especially when I was younger I stayed at various B&Bs with mum on our travels, and have always had this romantic notion of welcoming travellers from far away and making them feel at ease and at home.

To be honest, I don't know whether he was talking about his future, or our future together, because at times it seemed ambiguous. For me at least, for some time, perhaps since we officially became an item, or perhaps even long before that, I had dreamed and fantasised about building something with him... Little steps, living together, getting a house together, having children and pets... Fantasies of an over imaginative daydreamer, perhaps, but I've thought about it often, and at times think of it still.
But I sometimes have to remind myself, we are no longer together, and all this could be just idle talk and, as beautiful and wonderful as it all may sound and appear, may never be realised...

Overall we had a wonderful weekend together, though here and there tensions would flare (at least I sense it, or perhaps even cause it...) when I see him eagerly eyeing his phone and tapping away ( to I presume is his friend). At some instances, he excused himself to go chat with his friend, and I was left there feeling abandoned and somewhat insulted... It felt as hurtful as when, about a year ago, he came to my place for dinner, and at one point locked himself before closed doors to videochat with the person he has a love  interest in.

Again, the feelings of confusion and awkwardness returned.  He tells he again and again he loves me, and cannot let me go. He assures me that nothing will develop with the other person because of various reasons, one of which is because my ex's love for me is so strong... He tells me to be patient, to give him time and that one day he'll return to me one hundred percent... But right in front of me, with his calls and exchanges of messages, he hurts me and disappoints me time and again.


It makes me wonder why is my ex with me now? Why is he spending  so much time with me, why is he talking to me so much? Is it because he feels pity for me to have left me and somehow wants to make sure I'm alright? If he has such a great time with his friend, why doesn't he go spend time with him, instead of be so intimate with me?

Spending so much time together, at times I'm  unable to resist the temptation of touching his body, holding his hand... It just makes me sad and disturbed to feel that perhaps I'm just deluding myself again and again that there is something there still between us. It just makes me doubt myself, doubt whether I'm hurting myself by spending so much time with my ex, especially when I see him so eager and so often checking his phone for messages (from his friend, I know), and trying very poorly to hide it from me.

I told him at the end of the night, he can sleep next to me, only because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to. Sleep next to me because he wants to be with me at that moment, and not because I'm readily available there and then, or (worse) because he has no other choice that night.

I know it sounds so harsh of me to think that or to even say that. But somehow we have come to the point I'm made to feel that way, despite a lot of assurances from my ex that he still loves me, that he still dreams of a future with me... Who am I really to him...?

I hope I'm worth more than just someone he can turn to for intimate hugs and touches, more than someone with whom (he says) he can sleep so beautifully next to. I do hope our history together, and regardless of whether we have a future together, is more than just a comfortable and convenient arrangement, and that deep down inside there is really something true, something real, for both of us, and not just for one of us.

But am I being so foolish to continue allow myself to melt in his arms, too weak to continue to be swooned by the touch of his body and to find comfort and warmth lying next to him... or do I just move on? How much do I want to be with him? How much is it wait the wait or the hope of some kind of future together...? I could easily just gradually, gradually cut reduce contact with him, and the feelings will hopefully fade with time.

With time, everything fades... right?