Turning away

Sleep was so terribly disturbed last night.

My ex came by and we slept next to one another. No "funny business", just talking and a bit of soft petting. At one point he turned away, like he always does right before falling asleep to face the wall. I was still talking, about something 'heavy' that's been on my mind...

Earlier he mentioned that someone he knows is planning to move abroad with the person who he's dating. A 23 year old who lives in Paris. And who has cancer. Survival rate is fifty-fifty...

It just came as such a shock to me... Imagine what that feels like at such a young age... Imagine what the partner must feel like. And it made me wonder, out loud, in bed, what it would be like if I were to have cancer one day... 

"The scariest thing is being alone..." I said "It's important to have support..." support, love, care, or just a simple touch from someone who cares, can do wonders. I see it with my mum.  But I could feel my ex twitching next to me, and hear his soft breathing. I'm not sure he heard what I said, which was kind of disappointing. He was tired and it was late, so I too turned away from him,  and curled up, like I always do, in a foetal position, and tried to sleep. 

But it was hard... And for the entire night, even if I'd sleep for a  little while I'd wake up feeling so very alone, even though there was someone right next to me. And not just someone, but the one person I thought would make me feel complete and warm. Instead, for a while, I felt so empty, and felt like there was a void that nobody can understand.  At one point, I decided to turn my entire body around, to sleep at the foot of the bed. Somehow that helped and I fell asleep for a bit...

But not before a myriad of thoughts went through my mind.  Why am I tiring myself, torturing myself with someone who cannot or does not want to give me the depth of love and affection i need? Nothing to do with him, but me...

Why do I feel I need to constantly prove myself worthy of being loved, worthy of his love in particular? Why do I feel like I need to have assurance from my ex, who has told me again and again he doesn't want to be with me (at least not now...)? Why am I the one who seems to be making the moves and who wants to touch and kiss him all over, when he seems to have lost interest?  I need to stop. Really need to stop dragging on this limbo that has been continuing for too long. How can I sleep next to him and feel so empty of feeling inside? That's very telling. I too will turn away, like I turned away and turned my body up side down, and soon will wake up from this fantasy.