Longing

Friday night... a long and painful day.
Sitting at home trying to work, but my mind is distracted, my hand hurts...
And somehow my mind drifts to my ex...

The day began in his apartment, where I left in a strange mood. But suddenly now I miss him, want to see him. Is it the effects of the drugs taking control of my mind? I don't know, because I rarely take any of these antibiotics or painkillers....

Before, I would just pick up the phone and call my ex. For a chat, or just to see his face... Just not to be and feel alone.  I don't want to be too clingy, to be too needy, because there is nothing more unattractive than a needy person, an attention seeker, and I have vowed to myself many many times not to become that person, and to always be an individual who is not afraid to be by himself... (maybe it's too late, for I am such a person...)


 As much as I think about him, miss him for some reason or another, I must learn to deal with the loneliness and his absence... I must learn to resist the temptation and ease of being able to just call him up and have him over. Because I sometimes get the feeling he might be bored with me and feel like I am troubling him, being dependent on him too much...

And yet at the same time, with the day of his impending move away from the city, in some ways I would like to spend more time with him. Because if not now, then perhaps we won't really have a chance in the future to just get together whenever we want, to just call up each other and seek each other out, regardless of what time of day it is. That is definitely something I will miss dearly when he moves away...

Again, I don't want to feel too clingy. And  I somehow sense he has his own plans already for the evening which I don't want to intrude into... Why would I want to intrude into his life when he has someone, and perhaps at this very moment may be intimate with that someone while I'm at home left feeling so lonely and so full of longing?

I'll just have to suck it in and tell myself that these feelings will pass. I cannot depend on another person for happiness or comfort, because one day, any day, it may all be taken away. And look at how this is making me feel right now...