Painfully sore

 I came clean to mum and told her the truth. As expected she got worried, but with the knowledge that it is at least nothing serious, I dared to tell her where I was earlier today. I felt 'bad', and I needed to tell her.

She suspected something was up when I was up so early and already dressed and in a rush to leave. I guess you can easily  tell if someone is hiding something, even if it is on the phone. So I told her I went to the clinic to get checked up by the doctor. Mum sort of scolded me for biting my nails, telling me off for still having such a bad habit and look at what it's causing me. She remembered that I had something like this before, and said she also developed something similar on her toe before. Once the nasty liquid pus is emptied, then the pain will go away.

I started to cry softly. And I told her exactly what had been on my mind... This is perhaps the most excruciating pain I can remember having, and yet she has to face pain and soreness everyday.  She told me to 'watch' the pain, to meditate on the pain and watch the pain come and go. She goes through so much pain, and yet she is still there to comfort me with what minor and temporary pain I am experiencing.

"How brave you are to cope with this daily... How brave you are..." I can only imagine her pain is much, much worse, much more intense. I could not control my tears, even though they were silent ones, and luckily mum was not online to see my cry and wipe my tears. Why am I so weak? Why was I crying? She does not cry in the face of greater pain, mum does not cry facing the uncertainty of whether she will be around tomorrow... Mum had no idea I was crying, no idea how often on the phone with her I end up crying.

She told me not to think like that, not to think too  much. The words and expression of love of a mother. But it's the way I am, however counter-productive and however negative I am as a person, I cannot control my mind having flashbacks of her lying there cringing and tearing from the pain. Really, there is nothing more excruciating than physical pain, pain gnawing at your nerves, pain throbbing like a part of the body is going to come off. And one of the worst feelings is to have to watch her  suffer unbearable pain and be unable to do anything about it...

I apologised that I lied, but she was understanding and more  concerned whether I have medicine to take away the pain. Why is it that  the one who has just finished a heavy chemo treatment to keep her tumour under check is comforting the crybaby with a minor swollen thumb...?