These days

These days, I feel the days and nights are filled with emotions and feelings that are so draining that I have so little energy and time left to work. My thesis progress has been put on hold, and my (paid) work at my institute is slow and not very productive...

Feelings and emotions bombard me, day in, day out. What is life without feelings and emotions, you may ask? What reality is devoid of such essential elements of what it means and takes to be human? Even so, the feelings and emotions have been especially pronounced, and at times conflicting.

On the one hand, I am preoccupied with the gradual but at times stumbling developments in the relationship between my friend and me. Though we share so many beautiful, intimate moments together, though we have made so many memories together in the last two years, there is naturally a lot of excess baggage, uncertainties, and, perhaps largely from my part, reservations about where it can all lead to, if anywhere. I just wrote to him, explaining how I feel about him deep down, but also expressing my fears of not being able to satisfy his expectations and not being able to give him the kind of care, affection and attention he offers me. I'm not sure how he will respond, if anything because I did tell him that he did not need to respond.

It's just when I am with him, I feel so safe and secure, so strong and fulfilled. And when I am alone, I long for that, long to be with him, to lie next to him and gaze upon his eyes and lips. Is this a natural feeling of being in love, or is this an unhealthy dynamic of becoming too dependent on someone for emotional support and for attention? I don't know, however much I wish to know... because I don't think it's fair to the other person if I were to rush into anything just because I feel I've found someone to release my frustrations and emotions at...

Frustrations and emotions caused largely by the condition of my mum. She seems to be in a somewhat unstable condition, as I learned this morning. Though the original schedule for doing chemo is every two weeks, she has had to postpone because the doctor felt she did not have enough white blood cells for her body to cope (the white blood cells keep the body strong and together, especially as chemo kills everything, both healthy and cancerous cells...). And she complained to me about the 'cuts' in her throat and mouth and tongue, a common side-effect caused by the potent chemo medicine, which makes her feel a lot of discomfort and have difficulty to consume anything. And if she doesn't consume enough nutrients, she won't be able to undergo the next chemo treatment...

So those are the two main concerns on my mind these days, concerns that keep my mind constantly at work and overworked, makes me feel restless and drained. At the dentist today, the dentist said that I grind my teeth a lot, and asked me whether it was related to school work. "Life," I said, "Just many things in life I am going through at the moment..."

Yes, such is life. And there seems to be little I or anyone can do about it...