Doctor's note

It took a lot of wrangling and caused a stir in my department to get this piece of paper. I need a doctor's note detailing my mum's health condition in order to officially be granted a leave of absence.

Finally today I received it. Before taking it to the proper bureaucracy where this piece of paper containing very personal information will be scrutinised and assessed for whether my circumstances are deserving of a leave, I glanced through it quickly...

"Metastases..."

"suspicious lung..."

"disease progress recently..."

"life support and assistance required..."

Those words struck me, struck so hard and so painfully that I started to tear right here in the office. Thank goodness I was alone, and I quickly breathed deeply and wiped away my tears, wiped away my intense emotions.

I had known about mum's health from what (little?) she tells me. But somehow, seeing it on paper, seeing it through the  official diagnosis by a medical expert, the impact is more profound, more heartfelt.

Perhaps I have been denying my feelings, denying, unconsciousness, how bad her situation is, so I can keep on telling her to be strong, keep her telling little white lies that it'll all be alright...

Perhaps I've been telling myself little white lies too, so I need not grasp or realise the full extent of the situation, even though I know deep down that things are beyond my control, are beyond the aid of silent prayers, and silent thoughts of goodwill and kindness I send to my mum...

Be strong, I tell myself... be strong for mum's sake, for brother's sake, for the sake of everyone around us. But can I tell myself to be strong for my sake?