Nap

My sleep was disturbed last night because of the incessant vibrations and growling of plough trucks that worked till almost 2am on my street. And I woke up early as soon as the alarm went off in order to make it to an appointment in the morning.

So by midday I was tired, and retreated home for a quick nap. It felt warm under the blanket, and though I did not actually fall asleep immediately, but wandered on the perimeter of sleep and consciousness, for a few moments just before waking I had a dream... one that shook me awake and made me cringe.

In the dream was a conversation with mum. We were just sitting together and talking...

"You have to start thinking about your marital affairs," she said, "It's good to settle down in a normal relationship".

"What do you mean normal? I am normal, and I am happy with what I have."

"You know, normal, just the way it should be. It'll give you much happiness and joy."

"I AM normal," I said, getting frustrated and emotional, for I understood what she was alluding to, but just avoiding saying, "I am very happy. I care deeply for the person, and have someone who cares deeply about me. That's all I want and all I need."

"The relationship between your dad and I is normal. You get married and raise a family together, grow old together, and spend the rest of your life together...

I did not wait till she finished, because I could not bear the deceit. "But you two were so unhappy. You were constantly bickering, you shared so little in common, and had such different outlooks on life. Is that really happiness? Is that for the rest of your lives together?" I was almost shouting, and my tone was angry, but in truth I was hurt and in tears. Hurt, partly because mum did not fully accept me for who I am... hurt also because of all the time I grew up hoping and praying that my parents would be 'normal' and not fight so much. And look how things turned out...

It was then I woke up, ducked under the duvet, and curled up in a vulnerable foetal position, shivering. I felt my face contort in agony, my heart sink and ache.

Perhaps it's all because of this wedding business coming up that's making me apprehensive, for after brother gets settled, attention will focus on me next. Was it just a dream, or a manifestation of my fears of being and feeling rejected by mum?