How weak I felt, how weak because I could not control the emotions take over me for such a long time. When I stopped sobbing and just as I was about to go clean up my face, I heard the frozen creaking of the stairwell leading to my front door. Peeping through the glass, I could just about make out the face of my friend.
I don't know why when I saw him, I became so emotional all over again. Tears that had stopped and began flowing again almost as soon as he came through the door. It was a mixture of gratitude, of being so glad that he rushed through the night to come see me as soon as he read my blog, of knowing that he cares so deeply for me, and at the same time, of feeling guilty that I was again dragging him into the emotional mess of my life, even though he has enough of his own.
I hugged him, felt the sweat on his t-shirt, for he had not even taken the time to change and had immediately rushed out the door to get here as quickly as he could. The journey on the metro took forever, he recalled, as he wanted to be with me, to comfort me, only after reading the first few words of the previous post.
We talked for a little while, about my fears, about how the news reminds me a little too much of dad in those final days of his life. Maybe I am thinking too far ahead, imagining things and letting my frail, tattered state of mind get ahold of my thoughts... Imagining things in ways that are worse than they are, than they really are. But sometimes one needs to prepare for the worst, to mentally and physically brace oneself for that day, that moment of goodbye...
I meditated for a while, in a way to calm my mind, and afterwards I felt 'fine', even though in the circumstances could any one be really 'fine'? My friend hugged me, held me, lay close next to me, put his arm around me. Though my sleep was short and interrupted, every time I opened my eyes, I could see his face, feel the softness of his skin, and feel our gentle, warm breaths mingle and intertwine in the cold morning air.
Though mentally drained, I felt such gratitude, such immeasurable gratitude that mere words, mere 'thank yous' cannot possibly express or fully convey what I felt and wanted to say.
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