One year anniversary (again)

The anniversary of mum's passing today. Nothing like I expected, nothing like I anticipated. Why am I born into a culture where there are two calendars? So I have to hurt twice? It is the way it is.

I woke up an hour before the time, 20.05 Taipei time, to gather my thoughts and feelings. I called brother. On Facebook I see , as I suggested to him last week, they prepared a meal for mum. He didn't say much when I asked him how he felt. I am sure he saw the pictures of mum I shared and the songs that I posted. It was such a brief conversation. 

I felt empty. Empty of feelings, empty of thoughts, empty of anxieties and sadness (which is a good thing I guess...) and also devoid of joy and energy. I lay down to rest and allowed sleep to take over. 

I took the bike for a spin, as planned to. I needed to escape the house, to keep myself busy and free from brooding thoughts that arise when I'm alone. I biked and biked and biked till I was tired. 

Then at one point I turned to look at something. When I turned back, I saw my front wheel veering toward a pole in the middle of the bike path. I braked. Wrong brake. Front brake. My entire body flew over the handle bar and I landed on my left arm. I felt a sore sensation run through my arm as my body was cushioned on it. I felt my knees scrape the floor and then this stinging pain that lasted for hours...

I got on my feet, saw my bloodied and soiled knee caps. they hurt terribly, but my main concern was my arm which I felt like was twisted. I scrambled to my feet, limped slowly to a park bench. In my mind I felt such worry about the ride to conquer cancer next week. I so wanted to do it, to challenge myself, to prove to myself I am still able, still capable, still strong one year on. I grit my teeth and biked back. 

Some anniversary. Maybe I am putting too much meaning into it. It is perhaps just another day. I tried to make it one in which life goes on. I woke up, I ate, I biked, I saw friends who insisted me to going out (if it were not for the fact he's leaving for good in two days, I would have not gone out...). It felt like any other day. Except, exactly a year ago I was still trying to figure out the significance of losing my last remaining parent. 

I am still trying to figure out things, trying to move on, trying to be strong. And I am managing. However lonely I may feel, however alone I may be, I am managing.