This is it. The eve before my first really long bike ride for charity. Cancer research of all the causes I hold dear to my heart.
I'm a bit anxious, as its over 110km for two days straight. The last time I did something similar I injured my knee and could not walk without pain for weeks. I felt like a failure, and that's not a pleasant feeling, especially as I'm already very down these day.
The weather is another factor that is stressful. It's been cool and breezy since summer began. And f all weekends, this one will be the hottest and most humid to date...
It'll be a challenge. I get emotional just thinking about it. This is a ride for my mum, for my parents who were both take away by cancer.
I'm supposed to raise $2500, but so far have around $2000. Over half of that is my own donation (sponsoring myself to bike...), and much is from my ex who's worked tirelessly to raise money (in the most unusual and indirect way... Through credit card referrals!) I've gotten support from the usual people I know from work and from my little circle of friends. I know I should be grateful for every little donation, but it baffles me that those who have the most to spare give the most sparingly... Whereas those who struggle financially have been most generous. It's strange how people can splash out on trips and concerts, and yet seem to struggle to donate to a good cause... As I wrote in my last ditch attempt to solicit donations on Facebook, why can we spend trillions on waging war and the entertainment industry, and yet the global amount for cancer research is merely $6billion or so?
--
My ex just sent me a touching video wishing me, wishing me this journey is a first step towards greater happiness in my life. It was very touching. But it was also painful to watch. It seemed like the kind of message you sent someone you once loved but can only care about secretly from a distance. Instinctively I wanted to write back and ask why. Why is he not here? Why and how we have become so distant and I so greatly troubled when one year ago we made sweet love on the floor of mum's apartment and he whispered so many promised in my ears? Are those not just empty empty words now? Meaningless words spoken at a time of high emotions and high hopes but which in the end, one year on, mean so little now... I must be and sound so ungrateful.
And I must make do with that. Make do with the fact I can only be loved and cared about from a distance, make do with the fact I must undertake another significant and challenging step alone when in fact I need and so long for someone by my side.
--
This is going to be a long and difficult journey. One I don't think I've really prepared for mentally or physically. This is not just a ride to raise money for cancer research. It is a journey to shake away the depression and grief that has so plagued me over the past year.
I am biking for mum... And to dispel the grief and pain of the various kinds of loss that I have experienced over the past year. I may have been disillusioned, depressed and so downtrodden, I may have been so left behind and abandoned, but when I am on a bike, i know I can go places. I know I can be strong and determined. I need this spur of energy, this rush of andrenaline to carry me, to push me, to drag me out of the negativity and pain that has surrounded my thoughts and life for far too long...
No comments:
Post a Comment