Airport goodbye

I waved at the plane. Could he see me on the runway? Could he see me now that I put on my right red hoodie and was gesturing at the plane in the distance? I watched the plane taxi and pause before hurtling down the runway and away from sight.

I stood outside and waited for my ex's plane to take off. Watched his baggage being uploaded, watched the skybridge retract, watched the plane  pull back: was that a dash of red in a window behind the propellers of the Q-400? Was that the bear and the red tailor made hoodie? 

We met up, we chatted briefly by the stairs. I asked him about his short trip to Europe, which was filled with a lot of rushing around and drama. He asked me how I am doing. I held back. Held back the words and tears. What could I say? How can I possibly describe how I'm feeling, how I've been feeling in the past week, in the past month, in the past year?a year of disillusionment, as I put it recently. A year of loss and terrible and almost constant struggle with tears and pain, struggle to be "normal" again, to be heard and recognised as someone who needs support and understanding, comforting and company.

 He said he tried to reach me. He did, he really did. He said I never call. Call while he's spending precious moments with his family? Call while he's on holiday? Call and interrupt or interfere with  his life?  He apologised for not being there this past weekend. just bad timing. He apologised for not being there next week when I do my long charity bike ride. I smiled weakly. I appreciated him wanting to be there. His constant attempts to reach me showed that. Him wanting to give me his most special bear proved that. but If the last year of my life is any indication, too many things one must face alone. And I cannot afford to long for his presence or expect him to be there when I am crying or feeling sad, or when the pains of mourning weighs too heavily on me. We are not "that" way anymore.

I gave him a bag of goodies. He didn't seem to notice, maybe he'll forget them. But they're  from my heart to his, and say what I hope to say but feel no longer able. However distant I may appear now, and whatever distance I am deliberately putting between him and me, I care about him, think of him, love him from afar. It's the only way I know how. It's the only way I can be to him without being hurt again and again. 

The plane hurtled down the runway. The plane disappeared from sight No more holding back . No more holding back the tears.