They really are. At dinner, though my uncle and his family put me in the middle of the dinning table, though there was a tableful of food, I felt saddened by the familiar feeling of family around me. The familiarity of my cousins asking questions a child would ask of his dad, who is the hero and great encyclopedia of knowledge and the world, beginning with the phrase: "Papa, why....?"... The familiarity of my cousins helping their mum (my aunt) in the kitchen... The familiarity of a family gathered around a table and sharing a wholesome meal and stories over the past year... It is beautiful to have family, beautiful to be a part of a family.
Yes, I am fortunate to be invited into my uncle's home and to be welcomed as a member of the family. But there are instances and moments when memories of mum and dad come back to sadden me and force tears out of my eyes... I felt so heavy and out place at dinner, as if I were intruding in my the precious reunion of my uncle and his family. I felt like a stranger, someone they welcome with such warmth but who is so reserved and who obviously looks like he has something on his mind (as I found out recently, a friend described me oh-so-unsympathetically as "the elephant in the room"... The mine of sadness and glumness nobody wants to approach or deal with).
Taiwanese music played in the background, further adding to the feelings of nostalgia and loss. I struggled hard to contain my tears, to not think of mum and dad, and not to think of the way we were, the family feasts I used to prepare during the new year period...
I called a number of people back home, starting with my bother. I've not been able to reach him since that day he went to pay respects to our parents. I don't know anything about what happened that day except that he went there and the ceremony went well... He said he has been busy, and was in the middle of something. The lunar new year holiday is a time to get together and visit relatives and friends. He sounded like he wanted to go quickly, and the conversation soon turned into money and how busy he's been taking care of things back home.
Next I called my aunt (day's older sister), and my grandma (mum's stepmum). With both I chatted a while and drowned in the familiarity of their voices. They were most caring and encouraging, both telling me how they feel for me and what I must be going through now. They worry about me, especially as I'm all alone now. They told me again and again to visit, to call more often and to not be distant. They also reminded me to walk out of the pain and mourning, to move forward to greater and more positive things.
I listened to their voices, to such familiar voices, to their words of concern and encouragements. They are all I have now, the living connections to my late parents...
I could not but tear...
The holidays are the most difficult.
They really are...
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