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I feel so groggy. Went to bed close to one, and just as I was about to fall asleep, I woke up again. I could not sleep till four hours or so later. And had to get up three hours or so later...
So tired, so tortured. My body and mind cannot take this much longer. How long can I go through this vicious cycle of sleeplessness and lying in bed with running thoughts and commentary? When I lie there, it's just images and the past that accompany me deep into the night. They keep me awake, they accompany me yet also make me feel ever so lonely, because next to me the bed is empty. Where is the person who said he'd be there for me? Where is the person when I need someone the most? Jealousy took over... Here I am going through the most difficult period of my time, mourning the loss of my mother and a dear friend, and perhaps my friend is sleeping soundly with another body next to him...
These days I'm scared, so scared at night.
And what is scarier than being afraid of yourself? Being afraid of what you might do to yourself...? Being unafraid of what people might think or how much they might hurt if you were to one day disappear...? I have not really entertained these vile thoughts. Not until now...
What's wrong? Nothing feels right. But things are just the way they are. Why should anything feel any less or more different?
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