In Vancouver

It crossed my mind yesterday evening as I was riding the skytrain to my relative's place how many times I've been to Vancouver. Firs trip was early 2009, and since then at least twice a year, often to transit. This must be almost the tenth trip to the area...

I arrived at my relative's place, had dinner and spent time with my cousins, just chatting and catching up. They're younger by a decade or so, so what we could talk about is limited. I'm like the older brother they look up to, turn to for advice. And one of my cousins recalled a trip I took him on back in 2009 with fondness. How he enjoyed the entire experience, the foods we ate, the stay at the hostel, the long long walk on the beach.

I looked at the pictures I happened to have on my laptop. How beautiful that trip was, how "innocent" and fresh-minded I was back then. Don't we always have that tendency to feel like life was easier "back then when...."?

"But I remember you were troubled then..." My cousin reminded me. What about? Mum's health perhaps. Feeling lost and confused perhaps, close to a year after arriving in Canada. He thanked me for visiting him so often over the past four years, for helping him establish himself in this foreign land when his parents were not around.

It is hard seeing my cousins and being in their family home. Though welcoming, and though they're family, I feel like I'm out of place and intruding. This is a feeling that will come back to haunt me for a while, I know... Family is so important to me. And I have lost the core of the family I know, I know. And I need to learn to live with that.

I met up with a good friend for brunch. Last time we met, we had a nice long bike ride together. There was a bit of affection sitting on a beach for hours, but I pulled away because my ex gave me signals that he wanted to be with me, and reassured me he was taking steps to make it happen.

How foolish I was, now looking back. How fooled I was, being so blindingly faithful and trusting of my ex and his promises, and yet letting opportunities pass me by. Why do I let this happen to me, why do I continue to let someone in my life who many people have told me is driven by only self interests and will do anything and say anything to make you believe he's genuine and sincere?

It hit me when recently a mutual friend mentioned to me perhaps my ex is still hanging around and trying to keep me close because he feels so guilty to just leave me as I was losing my mum. All the while, he's out there enjoying his relationship, trying to placate me and keep me on the side as the best friend and confidante, but not realising how much damage he is doing and how his indecisiveness and false promises are undermining my trust and our friendship.

As we chatted over brunch, my friend here in vancouver revealed since we last met he found someone with whom he could really relate to. He told me how they met, how they could be doing the simplest things and yet still feel so special and such affection. I tried to keep a straight face, tried to look happy for him (I am, genuinely I am...) . But again it's hard to be faced with the fact that all around me people seem to have found someone they can be intimate with, someone they can confide and be true with. It's depressing that its soon valentines day, and again I am single. How ridiculous and foolish I was to even buy my ex a heart-shaped box of chocolates back December, so blind and crazy to believe in the fantasy that he loves me still and is working on being with me.

I walked around a mall, and suddenly felt so empty again. The holidays are never easy for me, and is even harder this year with mum's absence and loss of the one true friend (my ex) I (thought) i) have ever had. Maybe I should be grateful for all the things I have in life, for all the little things I take for granted.

But for once, for once I want to be reminded what it's like to love someone, what it's like to receive love and affection. For once, now more than ever before, I wish to close my eyes while lying in someone's arms and imagine that I am safe and secure.

For once, more than ever before, how I wish I could wake up and see a smile, feel the warmth of another body next to mine.