With family

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Perhaps it sounds like I don't appreciate fully the presence of my extended family in my life, but I really do. again and again, I am touched by the kindness and generosity my uncles and aunts offer me.
And this visit to Vancouver to visit my mum's youngest brother is no exception.

They welcomed me as if I were part of their (inner) family. I felt embarrassed that all I did in the few days I stayed over was eat, sleep, play (with my cousins...) and eat and sleep. My uncle proposed to go on a trip together, and together we went to Seattle. I felt bad they were paying for me, so I offered to pay for some things. Just before rushing to the airport, my uncle stuffed a was of cash in my bag, much more than what little I paid for during the entire period I spent some time together with my cousins to explore downtown Seattle.

Clandestinely, I put the money back (actually, under a book about ridiculous and humorous laws in Canada... Befitting, because it was ridiculous to be given money). I know, growing up part of our culture is for adults to give money to children as part of the new year celebrations. As long as you're not married yet, the relatives will come with red envelops stuffed with money.

I felt bad taking from my uncle. He is the only one working now, and he has to support his family of three living here in Canada on his salary. I know this situation well, for it is in a way the story of my dad and my family. Sacrifices, separation and being thrifty and saving every cent so that the children can have a better education and better prospects abroad. My dad, my mum made these sacrifices. And I see my uncle doing the same for his family.

That first night when he arrived, the scenery was so family, and so touching. I told my uncle that. It reminded me so much of how dad used to visit after a long period of separation and he would unpack all these delicacies and gifts for us the children. In our culture, it may not be customary to express life in as many words, but the little surprises and gifts say so much already.

I stood by the side and watched the kids help the dad unpack... Pens, agendas, snacks, powdered drinks, frozen fish and dried mushrooms... Make up and household goods and supplements for my aunt. My uncle even wrapped two model cars carefully and brought them to Canada. The model cars have been with my cousins since try were really young. My uncle was ever so careful not to damage the cars. It was very touching.

Last someone brought me so much stuff was when mum visited back in 2011. And the last time dad visited and brought us so many things was in 2007, the lunar new year of that year. It crossed my mind that for as long as I live, I won't ever again experience parents bringing me goodies and little gifts. How I miss that, how I will miss that so...

There were moments when my uncle and I were alone. I spoke about how I've been, and he has always been so concerned about my wellbeing. Customarily, should anything happen to my parents, it is the uncle (mum's brother) who takes on the responsibility of taking care of the orphaned children. I guess, and I can feel more than ever in the way my uncle kept on encouraging me to stay longer, that he feels he must do everything he can to help me on my feet again...

We spoke about mum, about mum's visit to Canada, about the were she was, about the things she used to say. A couple of times I teared. It was rough, again, the holidays are the toughest on people who have lost loved ones. And I see in the eyes of my uncle that he too feels a loss. My cousin told me how stricken with grief my uncle was the day I called and gave him the news (and later, a friend who attended the funeral, told me that my uncle was deeply affected and in tears ...) Though we feel loss and pain in different ways, it is all so personal, all of which makes us human and proves to us again and again that we feel, we love, and we hurt...

The holidays are the most difficult, the most unbearable. And I am realising why.