Valentines Day

Every year around and on this day, I feel sad... Valentines Day, the day of lovers. Last night, my ex came by and he stayed the night. We chatted, or more like be listened again to me rant and vent about my loneliness and how broken I feel, and how this month is just one meaningful (and therefore difficult) day after another. Dad's anniversary, New Years, valentines day, and birthday...

Why is today difficult? Because for the longest time I've been longing for love, for affection and intimacy. I had it, but I let it go, and perhaps it was wrong and made more difficult talking to my ex about all this, as I have to restrain myself to hug him and hold him close...

All the people I've ever cared about and loved. They're all gone. And friends? Well, most of them have disappeared or become so distant, partly because I simply cannot stand the for strange and sick attraction to gossip and talking about other people's lives. So what am I left with? Me, myself and I.

Am I being self-obsessed and drowning in self-pity? How can I say I'm not loved when my ex, yesterday, sat there tearing and with red eyes told me again how I don't know he has loved me, in the past and now. How can I sit there and complain I'm not loved and how lonely I am when he is taking his precious time to be with me...?

No, I don't know how much love I am given, no I don't know how loved I am. In fact, I do not believe it, I fail to believe I am lovable and can be loved. And I find myself struggling to love. It is too easy to point to the past, to say it is all because of what happened to me as a child. But the traumas of the past feel like they're a heavy shadow I cannot shake away. And I so long for a hero to come along to carry me, support me and pull me up...

Maybe I am selfish and want things to happen the way I want, how I want it and when I want it. But really after losing the dearest members of my family, is it not natural that I long for love, long for that special someone, long for that level of trust and intimacy one shares with a lover?