Breakdown

Where is this fear coming from? Why did I just lash out at my friend, who was trying to joke around and lighten the mood just as I was about to head off to work? There are all these sensitive buttons, it feels like, and one trigger can cause me to be gripped with such such fear, self-doubt and incapacitate me for moments...

I wake up some days and feel like the world is against me, like I am the only person left in the world, the victim, the object of people's gossip. Do they even try to understand me, try to imagine the intensity of what I've gone trough throughout my life till this day before they sit there and judge and make comments? It gets to me, it really gets to me now more than at any other time: people do not understand, and yet they feel they can give comments and advice as if they know and understand it all. As my group counsellor said often that does more damage than good...

I felt terrible that this morning just after breakfast I had another meltdown in front of my friend who stayed the night. Things were going fine, it seemed, but then one comment, one thought just tore a rift inside my psyche and I became so apprehensive and defensive. It was not fair on my friend, I know, I know. But I could not help but look at him and see him judging, see him look at me with such eyes of pity and perhaps even disdain.

And then a flippant, outlandish comment was made. My cat grabbed onto my foot and dug her claws into my sock. It's her playful mode. I tried to walk away, shake her loose. My friend commented I was abusing the cat.

It was meant as a joke, but the word abuse and idea of me abusing another was too raw and unleashed a flood of memories and all that I told myself repeatedly, repeatedly, I would not do to another being.



Maybe it's all in my head, all in my head...

But there are days when I wake up, when I feel and when I breathe and imagine: what if I don't feel, don't breathe any more...