Another night disturbed by dreams and images of my ex and my parents. Somehow, and especially these days, the most important people in my life who are no longer around, appear in my dreams and waking moments a lot. I often wonder why my mind punishes me so, why I'm causing my own suffering, when other people seem to have an easier time to move on, to put things on the side, or to even just forget.
It was another struggle to drag myself out of bed and to work. A colleague saw me this morning and was very concerned. For almost an hour we chatted and she tried to console me and remind me again that what I've gone through over the past years is not been easy for anyone.
Her voice was so calming, so motherly. "You seem to forget it's only been a few months..." A couple of times I had to blink hard and wipe the corners of my eyes. My colleague said she cannot imagine going through what I went through, especially at my age. Her words hit me as she pointed out how lonely and empty I must feel. And for some reason, ever since the long trip to India/Nepal that was supposed to bring me some closure and perspective (at least I thought so when the trip concluded...) the void has been growing ever emptier and ever deeper.
Later, in my boss' office, my boss sat me down and asked me how things have been with me. Even he could see through me and see how disturbed I have been. He encouraged me again, and like a father-figure told me to hang on there and be strong. Father figure... that is what I miss.
Though my boss is much older, he's not lost a parent yet. He admitted to that seeing me venture off to India all on my own, partly on my mother's behalf, inspires him. Again, he explained his reason to keep me by his side, because he sees something in me, and "You deserve it!"
What is it that people see? Perhaps I am just blind and too weighed down by pain and the past.
I must somehow try to persevere, try to hold myself together and not break apart so easily...
It was another struggle to drag myself out of bed and to work. A colleague saw me this morning and was very concerned. For almost an hour we chatted and she tried to console me and remind me again that what I've gone through over the past years is not been easy for anyone.
Her voice was so calming, so motherly. "You seem to forget it's only been a few months..." A couple of times I had to blink hard and wipe the corners of my eyes. My colleague said she cannot imagine going through what I went through, especially at my age. Her words hit me as she pointed out how lonely and empty I must feel. And for some reason, ever since the long trip to India/Nepal that was supposed to bring me some closure and perspective (at least I thought so when the trip concluded...) the void has been growing ever emptier and ever deeper.
Later, in my boss' office, my boss sat me down and asked me how things have been with me. Even he could see through me and see how disturbed I have been. He encouraged me again, and like a father-figure told me to hang on there and be strong. Father figure... that is what I miss.
Though my boss is much older, he's not lost a parent yet. He admitted to that seeing me venture off to India all on my own, partly on my mother's behalf, inspires him. Again, he explained his reason to keep me by his side, because he sees something in me, and "You deserve it!"
What is it that people see? Perhaps I am just blind and too weighed down by pain and the past.
I must somehow try to persevere, try to hold myself together and not break apart so easily...
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