Coping

Being down, I went to the movies. Just like that, on the spur of the moment, thought it would cheer me up a little. Little was I prepared for moments of crying.

As a side character, and sort of as a comic relief, we are introduced to a young guy with a rare form of cancer. He knows he's dying, because as he put it all the relatives are visiting. His impending death allows him to see the world with such wonder and amazement, to enjoy every breath. He meets one of the main characters in the movie, who happens to be at the hospital after a serious overdose. She is a heroine addict and alcoholic. In several scenes, you see the girl, a very pretty young girl, shoot and sniff cocaine, and drink herself out of consciousness. She wants to stop, but cannot. An addiction is too hard to kick. But the alternative of not drinking or abusing substances feel much worse.

Around her apartment of pictures of her and mother, in one her mother, whose cheeks looked so thin and sunken, is wearing a woolen hat, one that covered her head completely. From that one picture I understood why the girl hurts, why she drinks and shoots. Why she has even had to prostitute herself so she can drown in the painlessness.

It's cancer, cancer took her mother away. Later in the movie she explains how she spent so much time with her mother, trying to taking care of her, trying to pray for a miracle, giving herself completely to her mother. But her mother died anyways.

As she described her ordeal, shedding light as to why she is destroying her own body and her own life, I empathised with her... After the loss of a dear, dear one, there is such void, pain, loneliness and such deep, deep longing to belong, to be with someone... How can you get rid of all that pain? Can anyone really understand or feel the depth of the pain? It is no wonder (but no excuse either...) she sought escape in drugs and drink. How else can you drown out the emotions and rawness of it all without driving yourself crazy from despair and feeling like you cannot breathe, cannot do anything right? How else can you get rid of the feelings of being abandoned and so worthless in world?

I'm not saying I'll go seize the bottle now or start tracking down dealers on the streets. But I understand, and maybe in understanding I can cope and be a little stronger. Any little bit of self-help helps now.

Any little bit...