100113.1921
I threw up again. Terribly. Everything inside emptied out. Last time it was a month or so ago, in India, but that was due to something I ate, I imagine. This time... I don't know why.
Is it my body trying to tell me something? Am I ill? Is something wrong with my digestive system? Or is it all mental? Caused by stress, anxiety,and such fears of the world and all its people? I feel such fear, fear of waking up, fear of falling asleep... Just beset by fears and paining from the inability to find some kind of security and certainty.
I threw up just as I was heading out the door. As bizarre as it may seem, to meet up with my ex. He bought tickets to a musical he wanted to watch with me. We spoke for over an hour on the phone earlier, I spoke most of the time, voicing my opinions and frustrations about the way we are and how we got to this. It was the same conversation about our relationship and how we've seemingly grown so sour and tired of one another, the same conversation which never has an end, which doesn't resolve anything.
He said very little, and just said there are three choices. Be stuck in this ugly cycle of misunderstanding and hurting, cut off all ties, or try to start afresh, "get to know one another". I'm not sure what the last sentence even means, for do we not know one another already? Have we not known one another for over four years? I don't understand, but
perhaps against my better (or worse) judgment, I agreed to go to the show. One chance at salvaging something that was once so strong and so beautiful and carefree. Perhaps I am still imagining and dreaming of the impossible.
Why did I throw up? I still feel the uneasiness inside. I feel horrible, and to be honest am not in the mood to sit through a show. But I make myself stand up and clean myself up, and I go anyway.
I threw up again. Terribly. Everything inside emptied out. Last time it was a month or so ago, in India, but that was due to something I ate, I imagine. This time... I don't know why.
Is it my body trying to tell me something? Am I ill? Is something wrong with my digestive system? Or is it all mental? Caused by stress, anxiety,and such fears of the world and all its people? I feel such fear, fear of waking up, fear of falling asleep... Just beset by fears and paining from the inability to find some kind of security and certainty.
I threw up just as I was heading out the door. As bizarre as it may seem, to meet up with my ex. He bought tickets to a musical he wanted to watch with me. We spoke for over an hour on the phone earlier, I spoke most of the time, voicing my opinions and frustrations about the way we are and how we got to this. It was the same conversation about our relationship and how we've seemingly grown so sour and tired of one another, the same conversation which never has an end, which doesn't resolve anything.
He said very little, and just said there are three choices. Be stuck in this ugly cycle of misunderstanding and hurting, cut off all ties, or try to start afresh, "get to know one another". I'm not sure what the last sentence even means, for do we not know one another already? Have we not known one another for over four years? I don't understand, but
perhaps against my better (or worse) judgment, I agreed to go to the show. One chance at salvaging something that was once so strong and so beautiful and carefree. Perhaps I am still imagining and dreaming of the impossible.
Why did I throw up? I still feel the uneasiness inside. I feel horrible, and to be honest am not in the mood to sit through a show. But I make myself stand up and clean myself up, and I go anyway.
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