08 January 2013

Call

One phone call, and I am left crying again, at the office of all places. Call from my ex.
Why am I so fragile, so tormented inside? Why am I shaking and unable to pick up my work again?

I was lost as to what to say to him... lost for words, lost in a mess of thoughts. I want to tell him I care about him so much, still do after all we have gone through, after all those arguments and tears... But those feelings are so misplaced, so wrong! Feelings I feel but do not seem to be shared as strongly. Deep down inside there are so many things I want him to understand, so many things I feel he must know. But what? How?

And what is the point, really? What is going to change, when for two years almost we have been dealing with the same issues of torn feelings and love triangle? What is going to change anything at all?
Powerful what a disappointed and broken heart can do to you. Unimaginable how one person can affect your life so much...

And who is suffering here most of all? Is it not me, stuck in this mindset dominated by loss and pain and disbelief? Is it not me who is so miserable, so utterly demotivated and lacking any joy and inspiration to do anything, while other people do not understand why I am this way? Is it not me who is crying and becoming ever stressed about work I cannot continue to do because I am so distraught and unfocused?

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