Where there is a will...

There is a wei.

A few weeks ago an idea popped into my head. I remember I was in the hospital, with mum, who lay there asleep. My mind drifted to images of someone, who throughout my difficult moments, and moments of pain and despair seems to have the ability to lift me up-- even if we have not talked for a long, long time. In my moments of despair, hopelessness, my mind somehow, wrongly or rightly, drifts to my ex...

I fantasised about us meeting again, how special that would be after all this time. Even more special after he told me, explicitly and implicitly, how much he misses me, how important I seem to be in his life.

He once told me about a dream of his, and that is to walk on the Brooklyn Bridge with the person he truly loves. My mind put that knowledge with the longing to see him again in a special setting. So I wrote him a card, told him where I'd be and when, and said if he truly feels what he tells me, perhaps we could meet there on Brooklyn Bridge.

It seemed like a simple plan. A beautiful and wonderfully romantic idea. Two people, who obviously have feelings for one another, who obviously miss one another so much, and who know deep down there is still some potential in developing something special and something lasting, meeting at a most romantic setting at a most romantic time (dusk). "Perhaps it could be a new dawn..." I wrote him.

At first he told me he'd like to be there, he can be there. This was a week ago. I fantasised about our meeting. I dreamed and smiled just at the thought of seeing him again on the bridge that is so meaningful to him.

A few days ago he wrote me and said the timing is bad, for he needs to arrange to move things out of his old apartment. I was disappointed, yet I still clung onto hope of perhaps being able to see him...

Now, right now, the original plan is supposed to fall into place. At this very moment, at dusk, on Brooklyn Bridge, on the Brooklyn side. In my fantasies, I would stand on the bridge, stare out at the skyline of Manhattan. And suddenly out of nowhere he would find me and call out my name... We would look into one another's eyes, we would hug. I would kiss him. I would whisper softly in his ears: "I've missed you so much..."

But now, at this very moment, I am in a small-town in NJ. He is in Montreal (I believe). He told me there are no available flights. Hotels are prohibitively expensive (I agree). He tells me he is very apologetic he cannot be (t)here with me. And he offers me other places and opportunities to meet. But I am not interested.

How disappointed I truly am. All those moments I imagined him being my source of comfort and support, and now it's just a great letdown. I cannot and should not be too harsh on him. I cannot know how tired my ex is from his work and having to deal with the stress of moving over the weekend. I cannot imagine what he is thinking, what he is truly feeling, and whether he truly means what he says.

But where there is a will, there is a Wei, right? What would you do to prove to someone how much they mean to you? What extremes would you go to to show sincerity in your word and what you really mean when you tell someone you love him and have always loved him? I know what I would do. I know I would find a way, journey through the night if I must. Just spend an hour with that special someone, if it comes to that. But I would be there. I would seize the chance I have been given again, and prove I am true to my word, true to my heart...

I am here, in NJ. I will be in NYC tomorrow, on the bridge in the afternoon (2-4) just before my flight in the evening.

Even if I am alone, I owe it to myself to fulfil my dream of standing on the bridge and admiring the manhattan skyline. Even if alone, I can dream of one day standing there with the one true person who loves me , who would go the extremes and lengths to show his care and love for me. Even if I am alone, I can do something terribly romantic and beautiful too. (well, I won't be alone, for my stuffed animals would be with me...)