Be prepared

we talked about "arrangements" for a while. Things that come "after".

Mum is terribly frail. The elevated pancreas index level may be related to the cancer having infiltrated the pancreas and causing a slow process of poisoning.

"How does mum feel?"
"She knows. She knows better than me what is happening."
"How do you feel?"
"Just like this... It's just like this."

"The doctor told me something today," brother said, "And I have to tell you. The next time if her intestines become blocked, she has only a month."
Shock.
Fear.
Realisation.
Terrible, terrible stomach pains.
Terrible, terrible agitation and the vision of the world spinning, collapsing.

"I understand," I said calmly. The calm was uncanny, surreal. The calm that was sheltering the turbulence and storm.

I want to rush there. I want to be there, I want to hold mum. I want to tell her I love her so much. I want to take away her fears, take away her pains, even though my own body, my own mind is filling with fears and agitation. But the exam needs to be written still. I have not yet begun revising. I am so torn and frustrated. What should I be feeling? What should I be prioritising?

I am so scared. so very, very scared.