In Vancouver

Just checked into the hotel downtown. Small room, a bit pricey, but it has a desk I can work on, and I can check out later in the day and head straight to the exam. It serves its purpose, and that's all I need.

It was a restless flight. I managed to doze off upon take off for half an hour or so. Read a bit, but my mind was very agitated and kept on wondering how things are with mum. It really felt like I was flying back home again, and if need be, I will fly back home. I have the keys and all the essentials, even though I just have a carry on with me. But really, what do you need in life? Less is more, and having nothing you have nothing to lose. I did a bit more studying, if it can be called that. But really, my mind kept on drifting home, drifting to mum, and was very disturbed by imaginations of likely scenarios, and how it would be when mum is no longer around.

First thing I did after I walked into the room (after knocking on the door, something mum has instilled in me, just in case there is "someone" there... And by "someone", it's not necessarily someone you can see...), I called home.  Brother told me not to worry, and that they came home late last night. Mum refused to stay at the hospital, and brother signed a waiver for her to be discharged. I asked to speak to mum, and she got on the phone. She sounded very weak, but kept on encouraging me, wishing me "Good luck!" She reminded me to also rest well and eat well.

I asked her how she was feeling, and as soon as I asked I realised perhaps I should not have. If she were feeling terrible, would she say it? She would have to lie, and that would make her feel even worse...  And now more than ever, mum needs happy news, positive news, good news, not things that would make her feel even worse. She told me she lost some more weight, down to 44kg now. "Why is it that I can't gain weight?" she asked me. I am afraid to say why, and all I said is that she should eat more, eat more meals spread out over the day.

 I chatted with her a bit, and she revealed she was breathless yesterday afternoon. Her blood pressure dropped dramatically, and she felt her heart struggling to beat. It had become very hot and humid, and she was too thrift to turn on the air con...

She's back home. She does not know I know about the complications of her pancreas, and the extreme measure of bile and pancreas fluids in her circulation system. It is good like this, for now. It is good to pretend that I do not know much, and that I will just focus on my exam. Because that is what she would want me to do.