To the airport

On the metro. The last few hours have been a rush. I lay down for a rest, needed to calm my mind and upset stomach. I can feel the stress mounting again. And it's physically manifesting in bad cramps, cramps I've not felt for a while.

All these images cross my mind... Mum lying there with an expression of pain and discomfort... Mum breathing laboriously... Images of possible futures and potential events that may take place, and that are taking place in the vivid world of my imagination... Rushing home on the plane... Crying at the hospital... Holding onto mum's limp body... Inconsolable pain, pain, pain that will not go away...

I shudder at these thoughts, I feel deep deep fear as these images tear through my mind...

Heading to the airport. Flight in two hours. Another flight. It seems crazy that I'm heading back to Vancouver, where I just was last week. But I needed the time and place to fully concentrate, to be at home and rest in my own bed, to he surrounded by my own things and to recharge. I needed that little reminder that whatever happens, I have a home, I have these possessions that ground me to my life and tell me who I am (yes, it's very materialistic to be attached to my home and my things...). I need that more than anything at the moment. I need that at a time when who-knows-when need to part with the dearest person in my life...

Was it a waste of money to be flying back and forth across Canada just in order to study? Circumstances compel me to. Or perhaps I'm just too spoiled and cannot concentrate unless I'm in a quiet environment insulated from distractions. But this exam is important. Not just because it cost $400 just to register to take it. But because I have postponed it once before already.

And I know mum would want me to succeed, would want me to sit the exam. For her sake. I can imagine that she's lying there in bed and thinking about me, praying for me and wishing me luck.