Escape?

"There will be lots of trips to the ER from now..." my aunt said, almost as a matter-of-factly, and I felt it was somewhat unfeelingly, "It was like that with my father." The last sentence made me realise she has been through this before, she knows what it feels like. She knows.

I asked her what an elevated pancreas index level means. She's been a nurse for over twenty years. She thought about and told me frankly at this stage those indices and number don't really matter much any more. "As long as she's comfortable and feeling at ease, that's important."

And I know it. I know deep inside her, the cancer is eating her, wreaking havoc and spreading. I know, and dread to think about it. Slowly, bit by bit mum's health will decline till her organs become affected and deteriorate. It will be fortunate if there is not too much pain. Luckier if it does not last too long.

Being here in Canada, surrounded by beautiful mountains and a clear, clear blue sky almost everyday, it is too easy to forget what I have left behind back home. It is surreal in some ways, that I am here surrounded by all this peace and beauty, and to think of what I have endured over the past few months... Being here is a far world away from hospital wards, doctors and the sight of syringes and operating rooms...


I find myself, in waking moments and my dreams, whether I am escaping reality by putting myself so far away from it all. Am I being selfish again? Do I not care? It pains me to hear when I talk with mum on the phone how she wears diapers every night "just in case". What she must feel, what she must think, to see her own body deteriorate. Imagine, a proud person being physically reduced to skin and bone and being confined to bed most of the time... How she must feel...