What do you want me to do?

"What do you want me to do? I can't do anything."

I just wanted to talk, just hoped I could talk to someone who  could listen to me. Never once has my brother asked me how I'm coping, whether I need some support or comforting. Never did he ask about those first few days and weeks at the hospital, how terribly tiring and draining it was, or whether I needed help taking care of mum. It's as if it's my job, my sole duty, as if I don't have a life,  as if I don't have dreams and wishes I would like to fulfill.

Did I not have plans to start working and start preparing for my exams? Do I not long for some semblance of stability and calm in my life, something I've so craved for for four long years (or longer)? His response to my attempt to talk about mum's worsening health condition sounded like I'm causing him trouble.  "What do you want me to say? There nothing I can do." He was using his computer as he said that.

By this time next week, he will be long gone. And I will be here all alone to face all this, to shoulder the responsibility for mum's life and health. Will he see her again after he boards that plane in few days? Who will clean up the mess every-time mum throws up? Who will do the cooking and try to make sure she does not lose several kilograms again? Who will hold her hand, touch her shoulder and look her in the eye and tell her not to be afraid...?

I know my brother cannot do anything. I can imagine he is hemmed in and has a family to provide for, and that he has his own worries and needs to take care of. He has a family, a wife and a child, a mortgage and is  financially tied down.  But just a kind word, just something along the lines of "I appreciate what you're doing.." or "Hang on there..." is enough. But maybe it's too much too ask for.

"Mum is very, very lonely. And she's very depressed. She's often told me she wants to give it all up. That's why I ask you to contact her as often as possible..." I barely reminded my brother our mum doesn't have much time left... Somethings are known, and need not be said. And he knows it. My brother told me how very busy he is at work and cannot call. I do not doubt he is busy. But... "Not even five minutes of your break to call?" Then he said using skype via 3G has connection issues and bad reception. But I often call using 3G Internet, and it seems to work well...

He looked irritated at what I was saying. Perhaps deep down, he is feeling remorse and regret already that he's not done so much for mum... Perhaps he wishes deep down he could do much more and fulfill his duties as a filial and caring son... But I cannot know what he thinking. Perhaps the calm and nonchalance are but a facade masking his real pain and real feelings. 

I went to bed already... In my mind again is the sense of disbelieve and frustration, the latter accentuated by my own brother's complacency to it all... Perhaps it is his way of coping, of shielding himself away from harm an unhappiness and shielding himself from remorse... But I just wish one day he will wake up and realise it's not too late, and to be more  flexible and accepting if change and circumstances...

But brother is the  way he is...