Coping...

How has my life benefitted the world in any way today? What did I do that is worthy of mentioning? Cleaning up the apartment? Making mum feel comfortable and cared for? Slicing fruits and reminding mum to take her medical supplements? What did I really do to make me feel at the end of the day, before sleeping: "I have done an honest day's work and can feel so proud of myself?"

I cannot describe how very useless I feel nowadays... How useless and lonely I feel every day. But
I can't complain, especially not to mum. She is sad and already very moody at times because of her long sleepless nights and almost constant pain and bodily discomfort... How could i possibly complain to her about my frustrations and not make her again feel like she is burdening my life?

I wake up, think of what to eat for breakfast, then lunch time swings around, and soon after it's dinner and bed time. Day and night have lost their meaning, work day and weekend have blurred into all the same... I am not lamenting my lot, for mum simply cannot be left alone for long...

But I too want to work, wake up and be part of something, I too want to make a living, relax after a long week of work... I too want to have a close somebody I could turn to and talk about things, or even cry in front of at times. Here I am with mum physically and almost constantly and yet am so very lonely. I can't blame her, for since she lost her voice she doesn't want to talk much any more. And she is often so weak she just sits there or lies there, looking into space. When I talk to her or ask her something, she doesn't respond much. It has come to this...

I don't want to be someone who complains all the time (and this blog for the past few months, weeks has become that: a list of complaints and rants...), for my Worries and sorrows are nothing compared to my mum's constant struggle for life and to stay positive...
But really, I have never known a time in my life when I am so physically and emotionally drained and empty. It's like I have lost the ability to hope, to dream and to tell myself things will be ok soon. It's as if I have lost the ability to know what the purpose of my life and of breathing is. It's like nothing has any meaning, nothing is of any value any more. And to feel this world almost every waking moment is a terrible, terrible torture for my mind and spirit...

I cannot describe how being here, being in this very apartment and having to share the little space, having to sleep on the floor all the time, is testing my patience... I need challenges, I need someone or something who can stimulate me intellectually. And right here, I don't feel anything.

Another early night, another night of listening to mum cough and groan, and twist and turn in bed... What will come of tomorrow...?