Shadows

On board the Coastal Celebration bound for Tsawassen, BC. Spent the last two days in Victoria with mum. Overall a pleasant trip, but it's strange to be back there again, especially knowing that the last time I was there was with my friend. 

It's been three months since, and it feels somewhat bizarre to be back so soon. the weather is of course much different, but also the mood, or at least my mood. Who would have thought so many things could happen in just a season, from coming together to separating? But that is life... It never is the way you imagine it, it rarely is the way you would like it, for better or for worse.

 Wandering through the same streets, the same shops, and even staying at the same hotel, I feel myself trying to resist memories. Trying to exorcise a very recent past that was beautiful but, for one reason or another, had to end so abruptly. I find myself trying to be in the moment with mum. But it is difficult, and my mind wanders with my wandering feet...

And like last time, despite the beautiful surroundings, despite the light mood and freedom of travelling, I feel  very tired (perhaps much due to the jetlag) and find myself  longing for home. 

I realise one thing again... It's not really the company or surroundings that make me feel or think like I do. It is myself, it is the restlessness and anxiety within. And nothing can change that, not even the most beautiful flowers, the most magnificent view of a vast ocean and the silhouettes of resting mountain ranges in the background. 

There has to be peace within.