It's been a day filled with agitation today, beginning with a restless night of sleep. The super typhoon that is skimming the eastern shores of the island brought vast amounts of rain throughout the day and night, heaviest during the night. Sleeping next to the window, I was woken up various times and disturbed by the constant pounding of the heavy rain and howling wind, which made me dream and dream...
And then throughout the day, I was feeling increasingly agitated being stuck at home because of the poor weather. I tried to work a bit, but was so distracted by thoughts and emotions. I maybe be physically here, but my mind escapes and wanders off to Canada, to my life and friends there, and I so long to be back there again in my own home, united with my cat. Seeing mum in pain and not eating much frustrates me too, adding to the agitation, coupled with the fact that we are living together in such a confined space for a long time, and I feel like I have no real privacy.
I know a lot of the agitation is my own doing... If I worried a little less, if I thought a little less, if I just longed a little less to be home, then I can calm my own mind. But really, like so many times before, being back here, I feel I cannot get any of my own things done because my mind is preoccupied with taking care of mum and making sure she's feeling alright.
I'm not complaining, because I chose to be here, and in times of need, and at various moments when mum tells me how much she appreciates my presence, I know it is right to be here. But, really, being here I feel somewhat like a prisoner and have little I can turn to for support or fun, whereas back home in Canada, I have friends close by, and all that nature and space around me I can loose myself in.
I know the feelings of agitation will pass, and I do feel better after a few solid hours of work and a bit of meditation. But deep down inside, I do long for and count down to the day when I leave here, and take my mum with me back to Canada....
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