Pangs of guilt

They were such intense dreams, that woke me up numerous times during the night. Dreams that filled me with such guilt, such shame, and such fear of losing something… losing someone. Losing my friend, my ex, losing the person who knows me better than anyone ever has…

I would sleep, and wake up, disturbed and restless… I would sleep again, and wake up, again, agitated and frightened. At just after six in the morning, I finally decided to get out of bed.

The guilt and shame plagued me long after rising, and I was so nervous I could not eat much. After a few bites, I went to write an email to him, telling him how terribly sorry I feel. I am dwelling in the past, dwelling over events and actions that have already taken place, dwelling over words that have already been said. But I do feel terribly guilty about all the things I have done and said to hurt him, to push him away, when in fact, more and more, I realise I want him close to me, I want him to be part of my life.

Did I push him away? With my withholding, with my rejections over the last two years, did I push him away that he has a hard time believing how much I feel for him and care about him? He cared and loved me once, but now that feelings even if strong, has diminished. And there is doubt… doubt whether I am the right person. I contributed to that doubt, and now, being in limbo and being caught in between this twilight zone between lovers and friends, I am feeling so fearful, so guilty…

What we have is so beautiful, so very special… the friendship, the strong memories, the connectedness and levels of intimacy I have never felt toward anyone. Ours was always the perfect relationship I have longed for and heard so much about: one of love built on friendship. Or at least it could have been. And yet, I seem to have soured that relationship by trying to stifle the love that was obvious to develop when for the longest time I tried to hide to myself, hide to him, my feelings toward him.  

I wrote to him, apologising for my past wrongs and faults, asking for forgiveness. I sometimes wish I could turn back time, and undo the hurt that I have caused… I sometimes dream of the beautiful possibilities, the lack of complications we would have had if I had said “YES!” when he first proposed to be with me late 2009… but I am powerless to change the past. Hence the guilt and remorse I feel at this very moment…

I hurt him, and now I am hurting back… I am hurting because the guilt and shame I feel now for having done so many things terribly wrong to hurt him. What I am feeling now, this uncertainty, this sickness from fearing I will lose someone so dear and close to my heart, this feeling of being so lost and confused; I caused him to feel that way too. And it is a feeling that is torturous and seems to know no end… This is karma coming back to haunt me, to fill me with remorse and agitation.

I apologised profusely when we spoke on the phone today. He told me I was being “silly”, and that he had also done things to hurt me. But somehow I feel as if I am the greater evil, and I have failed him as well as myself. As usual, he was understanding, and he held out his hand to virtually give me a stroke—the way he would to comfort and reassure me.

We talk and joke on the phone as if nothing has changed between us… at least from my side, it seems like we are just having another conversation like we have done every day since we became a couple. But things have changed… for otherwise, why would we be in a situation of feeling so awkward and so confused about our feelings for one another? If the friendship, the love is so strong, why are there still doubts and hesitation?

I cannot know the answer to those questions, and I could never ask him to reply, just as I could never turn back time and undo my mistakes and correct my failings… Just now, I am suffering and hurting, because of the hurt and suffering I have caused to another… and that is a terrible feeling I know now.