rough morning

Breakfast was a bowl of black bean soya milk, cereals, melon, watermelon and hardboiled eggs. It took over an hour for mum to finish her meal. Again seeing her in pain hurts and frustrates me so terribly...

It was the frustration that led me to burst out "why are you not eating enough?" I know she is really trying, I can only imagine how painful it is to swallow every single time. It's like a knife is cutting her throat everytime she swallows, she described it "you can never understand!"

It wasn't an argument, but I was unfairly pushing her too much. She really is trying to eat as much as she can, but just the pain is unbearable that she loses her appetite. But seeing the intense pain on her face, seeing her leave food on the plate worries me... And in a way it sort of shows that perhaps I'm not doing enough to take care I her, and that I've failed my purpose of being here...

We spoke and chatted about things, about how this illness has affected our lives. Who would have thought that half a year into retirement she would be in this state, instead of enjoying her life and celebrating her hard work throughout the years? Who would have thought that instead of enjoying life, life has become almost daily visits to the dreaded hospital and oncology ward?

I had to cry when she said sometimes she wished she would 'go' soon so as not to burden me any longer. I thought of my friend who just lost her dear, dear mother... And the thought of mum leaving without me knowing is too much to bear. "I don't want you to see me in pain or suffering... I just want to go quietly...."

Nobody knows how one will go or when, but not being able to be at her side, as I was at my dad's bedside when he slipped away from me quietly, scares me greatly. Perhaps premature, but I can feel the guilt and shame if that were ever to happen.

With tears in my eyes, I told her again that I'm sorry to push her so hard and to get frustrated if even angry when she does not eat. But can anyone imagine what it feels like when someone you care about and love so deeply has such difficulty in performing even the simplest of daily functions, like eating and drinking? "I really hope you will get better soon, and that you'll be able to get back to 'normal' life...."

She deserves it, she needs it.

As Impatient and frustrated as I am, I know deep down it takes time to recover and to heal. But the process of watching her suffer and cringe is such a grueling test that is driving me insane, and to tears.