2.42AM

I broke out in sweat and woke up scared and alone, close to tears. Just you think you're ok, just you think you're beginning to heal, things are beginning to return to normal, grief comes to haunt you in your sleep... Loneliness crawls into bed at night and lies down next to you...

I was flying... Flying alone to somewhere. The plane descends suddenly, we were about to crash. I call out... But whose name do I call? Whose name can I call in time of need, when I need comfort and consolation? 

Mama? Dead. Papa? Dead. My ex? Too busy with his own life and happily married. My lover, partner? Non existent. A friend I can really trust and confide in? Nobody I could think of. Nobody's name I could call out.

The plane came diving down and I tried to call out a name, but I could not. I am alone in the world. All alone. How scary is that thought? How terrible to die alone and unnoticed, unmissed? How terrible to go through life alone and crying out and nobody will answer you... 

I woke up heaving and felt my heart thump and my throat so dry. 

Grief and loneliness has not gone yet, not  quite. They have just been on leave but are returning. And like on the plane in that dream I just had, who do I call? Whose name do I call out? Who will listen and understand...?