"Think of the way your mum was, how strong she was, how she enjoyed life. Then you will find a reason to go on."
There is care, there is. I just never really felt it, at least not from the people you thought would be most compassionate and close at the most difficult times. Care and love can come from the most unlikely places.
After this morning commemoration ceremony, I decided to head down to the centre of the island. I didn't have a plan. I made them more or less only after I boarded the high speed train. I knew there would be a place for me to stay the night, just unsure where. I called my brother's mother-in-law, something I've hesitated doing. She was delighted to hear from me and immediately said she'd arrange to pick me up as soon as I arrived. I slept almost the entire hour of the journey.
My brother's family-in-law took me in as if I were one of their own. It is a hospitality I have missed, a feeling of belonging I have long longed for. She listened to me, consoled me, encouraged me. They spoke of what a wonderful person mum was, and how she was (is?) so proud of me. They spoke of how mum would hate to see me waste my life away doing nothing and being so preoccupied by her passing.
And they spoke of brother too. Said how affected he also is, especially that week of Mother's Day and mum's birthday. My sister-in-law said he went very quiet and became moody. I never knew that. I was too concerned and occupied with my own grief and anger to realise my brother also hurts, despite having a family and stable life. How could he not? He too is mum's child, he too is a son who lost his mother.
I felt stronger, touched and so comforted. At my brother's mother-in-law's place, I saw reminders of my old home. Cups, tea sets, blankets, duvets, odd pieces of furniture. Most of the little things were shipped here, thankfully. I have wondered often what happened to the little crystal swans, the creams and potions in the washroom, the clock that used to be at mum's pillow side. It's all here... It's so bizarre it's all here, in the house of my brother's mother-in-law.
I was told I could take it all. After all, they belonged to my mother. I could pack and take it all, but would I so that? Could I so that?
I am extremely tired after today's ceremony, and I believe it went mostly smoothly.... Falling asleep as I'm typing.
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