Sleeplessness

Almost three in the morning, all is so quiet, all is so still. It is as if the world is asleep, and I am the only person still awake. Lying in bed and still awake. My mind is anything but quiet, anything but still...

When was the last time I really slept "normally"? When was the last time I did not dream or lie in bed feeling so cold and alone? It's nights like this when I feel like my house is too big, too empty. I can fill it with personal things, personalise it with pictures and my favourite things. But it will still feel cold and empty. And pictures can fall and break and shatter. I found out the hard way last night when a glass picture frame containing a picture of mum and a special teddy bear fell to the ground and shattered. It broke my heart.

I look over and the bear my mother gave me lies there inanimate next to me. He smells of me, and a bit of the smells from my travels. I hug him, but he cannot hug back. There's a familiar scent in the pillow case, and on the blanket. But that scent is fading, and with time I will forget how it smells like. It's sad perhaps, but there are moments I wrap my arms around myself and imagine I'm being hugged.

How I wish I could fall asleep... fall asleep in the arms of another human being, and feel safe and loved again.