Struggle

Past eleven at night, alone at the office still, trying to study. But it is such a struggle. I read, and I forget. I lack motivation, lack interest, and most of all, lack the concentration to focus on what I am doing. My mind is such a mess, scattered like leaves at the end of Autumn all over the place, and my heart feels like it is balancing  on the edge of breaking down and crying. Crying because I feel so weak, so vulnerable... (I really should stop listening to the radio and to all these songs that mean so much to me...)

It is such a struggle, such a painful struggle to ground myself, to find joy in anything. Such a struggle alone to find meaning or purpose in what I am doing (what AM I doing...?) and not feel like I am useless and wasting my breath and life.

Something has to change. Dramatically. I cannot go on feeling ugly and negative. I cannot go on like this indefinitely.
For I am killing myself, killing my own soul and every single dream and ambition I have ever held...

And it aches to imagine my parents watching over me and seeing me in this completely depressed and unproductive state of being... I imagine they must weep seeing me like this, and yet being unable to hold me, encourage me or show me love however much they would want to...