Sleeplessness at 4am

Restless and sleepless... Four in the morning, a few hours till I need to get up and head to work.

My mind is so tested. I close my eyes and cannot sleep, for my thoughts drift to the ex. Does he know I think of him? Does he think of me at all? Why do I even think of him, when he could be having a jolly good right now lying next someone he is so unwilling to let go of despite all he's told me about how much he loves me over and above anyone else? Well, I hope he's happy now, finally happy now that he's got free from me and does not need to listen to or know about what pains me so or what makes me cry.

It's sad, because the end of my relationship with him and the loss of my mother has driven me to extreme lows. Tomorrow, I'm checking myself into a therapy clinic just so that I do not have to feel, so I do not have to hurt, so I can pick up my life again. Sad that I am in need of professional help in overcoming loss-- loss of a dear, dear friend, and the loss of my mother. How can these two fundamentally different relationships and people in my life be impacting me so much? What clout did they have over my life and my wellbeing?

I do not think my ex has any idea how much I have been disabled by the depression that has descended my feelings and thoughts. I don't think anyone knows or cares to realise how much I've been affected over the last two years by the slow loss of my mother and by the way I've had to experience and watch again and again how my ex (willingly or otherwise, consciously, intentionally or otherwise...) made me believe in something profound between us while at the same time he still being involved with another person. Together these two relationships have destroyed me, an together the end of these two relationships have destroyed all that I thought was strong and stable and dependable in life. I guess I've been blinded and living in a fantasy world where mum would get better and in which I would be with the one and only love I've encountered in my life...

But can I blame him or my mum? Can I blame anyone at all, if I the one who allowed this to happen? Can I blame anyone if I'm the one who, despite repeated warnings and signs, allowed two people to be so central to my life and affect me so much? Can I even lament when I should have known one day things will fall apart and I will need to fend for myself? Can I blame anyone but myself to allow myself to descend to this destructive and negative state of being?

I alone am causing my own suffering. I alone can free myself from my own suffering.