It was a joke. Or was it?
A friend said I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, meaning I don't have to worry about means and money that much. Meaning I'm the son of rich parents who have left behind a lot of money so I don't have to worry about thing...The other day, someone came to my house and said I live a "lavish" life in an apartment with two rooms and with all the accessories and household goods any one could wish for. These two events really hit and hurt me hard.
It's true. I have been fortunate, very fortunate that my parents have provided me a life in which I do not have to worry (at least not to much...) about having food on the table or a roof over my head. It's true, especially since dad passed away, I have had the (economic) freedom to travel and come and go anywhere as I wish. And it was because of this that a friend said in jest (was it really?) that he can only go home to see his family once a year or so, whereas I can go whenever I want. And now my mum's gone, I stand to get even more...
I fell silent. Perhaps I should not be too affected by words of others. But I hate to give the impression I squander money and do not value what my parents have given me. Because it is one thing I told myself again and again after dad passed away, and now mum has also left, that I must pay heed to. They have left me something, but I cannot and will not allow myself to just waste it away meaninglessly.
Maybe I am just justifying things to myself, or at least trying to. But seriously, over the past five, six years, where do most of my expenses go? Plane tickets back and forth between here and home (Asia), buying medicine and supplements for mum so she does not have to suffer side-effects of cancer and treatments that much... buying mum household goods to make her life easier and more comfortable... taking mum on luxurious once-in-a-lifetime trips with my own money. Yes, luxurious, lavish, excessive spendings at times, and of course I get benefits too. But really, was any of it just for me, for my own selfish needs and desires? Were most of it not for mum's sake and to make her happy?
I may have been born with a silver spoon, but little do people realise how much I struggle even to buy clothes for myself, how I go for discounted items at the supermarket. Perhaps of all people, mum knows best how thrift (and sometimes to the point of being cruel...) I can be when it comes to buying things for myself. Sure, I admit I may indulge in buying model airplanes now and then, I may collect stuffed animals and souvenirs from my travels, but other than that, do I really spend without thinking?
At one point, I said: "I may have all this, but what else do I have?" Do I have a family? Do I have parents I could call up and talk to whenever I want to? Do I have the luxury of a warm family home I can return to? What I would give to speak to my parents again... what I would give to recreate that feeling of going home and having my family sit down together again for a meal, for a few round of laughs and few more memories together...
Yes, I have a lot of material things, I have means, I have all that my parents left behind... But I am alone and struggling to find meaning and sense in having so much, and yet feeling so empty deep down inside.
(or is this perhaps the talk and thinking of someone who has a silver spoon in his mouth?)
A friend said I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, meaning I don't have to worry about means and money that much. Meaning I'm the son of rich parents who have left behind a lot of money so I don't have to worry about thing...The other day, someone came to my house and said I live a "lavish" life in an apartment with two rooms and with all the accessories and household goods any one could wish for. These two events really hit and hurt me hard.
It's true. I have been fortunate, very fortunate that my parents have provided me a life in which I do not have to worry (at least not to much...) about having food on the table or a roof over my head. It's true, especially since dad passed away, I have had the (economic) freedom to travel and come and go anywhere as I wish. And it was because of this that a friend said in jest (was it really?) that he can only go home to see his family once a year or so, whereas I can go whenever I want. And now my mum's gone, I stand to get even more...
I fell silent. Perhaps I should not be too affected by words of others. But I hate to give the impression I squander money and do not value what my parents have given me. Because it is one thing I told myself again and again after dad passed away, and now mum has also left, that I must pay heed to. They have left me something, but I cannot and will not allow myself to just waste it away meaninglessly.
Maybe I am just justifying things to myself, or at least trying to. But seriously, over the past five, six years, where do most of my expenses go? Plane tickets back and forth between here and home (Asia), buying medicine and supplements for mum so she does not have to suffer side-effects of cancer and treatments that much... buying mum household goods to make her life easier and more comfortable... taking mum on luxurious once-in-a-lifetime trips with my own money. Yes, luxurious, lavish, excessive spendings at times, and of course I get benefits too. But really, was any of it just for me, for my own selfish needs and desires? Were most of it not for mum's sake and to make her happy?
I may have been born with a silver spoon, but little do people realise how much I struggle even to buy clothes for myself, how I go for discounted items at the supermarket. Perhaps of all people, mum knows best how thrift (and sometimes to the point of being cruel...) I can be when it comes to buying things for myself. Sure, I admit I may indulge in buying model airplanes now and then, I may collect stuffed animals and souvenirs from my travels, but other than that, do I really spend without thinking?
At one point, I said: "I may have all this, but what else do I have?" Do I have a family? Do I have parents I could call up and talk to whenever I want to? Do I have the luxury of a warm family home I can return to? What I would give to speak to my parents again... what I would give to recreate that feeling of going home and having my family sit down together again for a meal, for a few round of laughs and few more memories together...
Yes, I have a lot of material things, I have means, I have all that my parents left behind... But I am alone and struggling to find meaning and sense in having so much, and yet feeling so empty deep down inside.
(or is this perhaps the talk and thinking of someone who has a silver spoon in his mouth?)
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